Wednesday, March 25, 2020

Something To Bitch About

We got 2 notifications in the mail last month about the dogs being due for some tests and vaccinations. They’re due every spring for these. And with the current situation with COVID-19, I decided that we better get on the stick and get it done. You know, because in just about every post-apocalyptic film and television series, there’s one character with a dog to alert them to danger or cybernetic organisms.

I called and they’ve changed how they see patients. I accepted the changes with the ease of a gazelle leaping over a fallen tree. We’ve got to do everything we can, you know?

I made two appointments because our bitches can be a handful. The little one, Lucy, gets very territorial and growls like a 10-pound hound from Hell at the bigger one, CJ, that’s as sweet as honey. So, Lucy got the first appointment at 10:20 A.M. We arrived a few minutes before the appointment. I was instructed to phone the front desk to let them know that we had arrived. 25 minutes later, a young lady came to the car to ask a few preliminary questions. Lucy hasn’t exhibited any issues other than those related to her 18 years upon this planet.

I think she’s going deaf or she’s gotten very choosy about what she hears. Her arthritis is making her apprehensive about using stairs and jumping. The young woman scooped her up out of the car and Lucy’s eyes got wide. She looked at me as if she was saying, “Where in the hell are they taking me?”

I tried to get back to my AC/DC research while I waited, but it didn’t last too long. The same young woman brought Lucy back to the car in about 15 minutes. I rolled down the window and said, “I’m sorry. But that’s not my cat.” She blinked a few times and then realized that I was joking with her.

But Lucy is in overall good health and strong as little horse. The woman handed Lucy to me through the window and hair came off as if I were blowing a dandelion flower’s seeds into the wind.

Lucy didn’t want me out of her sight for the rest of the day. If I went into another room and the door was closed, that little hellhound whined her ass off. She’s sitting at my right foot as I type this right now almost 24 hours later.

A few hours later, Leanne Petty alerted me to a situation near our home. As more news came to light, there was a vehicle chased by police that led to a multi-car crash and a law officer involved shooting. It turned out that this had transpired in front of our grocery store and Thursday Hampton Hellcats drinking establishment. They had shut down the 5-lane street for the investigation.

CJ had an appointment for 4 P.M. Since the street was shut down, I didn’t know what to expect. I left at 3:30 P.M. for a 10-minute trip to the vet’s office. I knew where to turn to avoid the sealed off area, but as expected, there was a long line to speak to the officer where they had the artery shut off two blocks away at Brewer Ave. He had the majority of motorists turning right onto Brewer. My turn to avoid the area was just a few hundred feet away on the left. The officer asked where I was headed, I told him and he said, “Go” and I took off cautiously.

I called to the front desk and they came out to the car within minutes. I went over the preliminary questions with the same young woman from my earlier visit. Since CJ weighs over 50 pounds, she opened up the passenger side back door to take CJ inside. CJ led her around to the driver’s side of the car, sat down, and refused to go any further. I stepped out of the car and CJ got right up. I told the young woman that I’d keep a safe distance to help coax CJ inside. She took right off with the young lady. But when she opened the side door to go inside, CJ sat down and refused to enter. At this point, I was at the end of the building watching. I took a couple of steps towards them and CJ got right up and went inside.

Ten minutes later, she brought CJ back out to the car. The doctor was going to call again with information and questions. CJ is getting a little heavy since someone in this house constantly feeds her things like bread, chips, and other foods high in carbohydrates. But overall, she’s in good shape.

I feel like CJ, a dog that we acquired from a rescue group, thought she was being sent away from us. I don’t know how many hands that she’s passed through in her short amount of years on this planet, but I can’t help but think that she thought her time with us was up. She’s the sweetest dog that I’ve ever met and gets hurt feelings very easily.

When CJ was being brought out, she was pulling that same young lady through the parking lot directly towards the car. She got into the back seat and gave me a dry lick from the bottom of my chin to my temple. She calmed down and took a nap on the way back home.

CJ and I arrived back home to find something WONDERFUL awaiting us which will be covered in the next podcast that I hope to have out over the weekend.

Also, in that podcast, I will reveal the winners from the last Turtle Taste Test gathering from a few weeks ago. We did a Ranch dressing test this time. I'll also reveal the winners from previous Turtle Taste Tests. And I’ll give an update on my home-quarantine sanity project involving the rock band AC/DC.

You can find the podcast available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, Breaker, YouTube (once they’re rendered to MP4), and just about anywhere you can get podcasts.

Thursday, March 05, 2020

Many Thanks!

Now that my podcast is finally off the ground with 5 episodes, I’m going to stop hounding you with it on my personal Facebook page. But if you like the reminders, by all means give the Wheelers Dog Facebook page a like!

Five freebies are in there as the preview. This sixth episode will ONLY be available on the Patreon website so, if you like what you’ve been hearing you need to jump on that joker.

I have a few supporters right now on Patreon and it’s GREATLY appreciated. I want to get a subscription for Adobe Audition. That’s the production tool that I’ve been using for over 20 years. I know it inside and out.

I’m using Audacity now. It’s free. It does the job, but it just isn’t as user friendly. I spend a lot of time trying to figure it out more than actually getting the job done. But hey… Baby steps.

I want to thank everyone that has given the podcast a listen. I want to thank Jeff Kay from The WV Surf Report podcast for giving me a plug on his latest episode. I want to thank Bob Richardson for the great opening that he composed, performed, and produced. And I want to thank Tim Beeman for his incredible help and patience with me.

A lot of the Patreon episodes will feature stories and events about the MIL. I don’t want to put too many out there where she could find it on YouTube. I don’t want to wake up to find her creeping into our bedroom with a large kitchen knife. She’s a great lady and the house would fall apart without her. She just has her moments that baffle, delight, and sometimes infuriates the rest of us in the Big House. Hell, she had quite a baffling anger just last night. But the wife and I realized that she’s the one with the issue and we weren’t going to be baited into her Bud Light Seltzer fueled anger. We slept soundly as the MIL most likely tossed and turned with asinine conspiracy theories spinning in her head.

Again, I just want to thank all of you. I honestly didn’t realize how much I have missed doing this sort of thing. I hope that you all got some laughs and continue getting some laughs from Wheeler’s Dog.

If you want to show support for my endeavors… JUST CLICK ON THIS BIG OL’ LINK.

Sunday, February 23, 2020

Thank You

I open up this blog post with a THANK YOU to everyone that has liked my Wheeler’s Dog Facebook page and those that have taken the time to listen to my first podcast on YouTube.

After listening to the podcast, I could tell that I was nervous for some reason. I’m not usually nervous before cracking open a microphone. I think that I was feeling the pressure from myself to make it “good”. Sure, there’s room for improvement. Adjustments will be made over time. Features added. Etc.

The first five episodes will be available to everyone. Then there will be 2 episodes per week. One available to everyone and the other will be on Patreon for a donation of just $4 or more.

I stole the idea from Jeff Kay and his podcast THE WEST VIRGINIA SURF REPORT. It seems fair to me because it’s difficult to find sponsorship. He gave me his blessing.

The Wheeler’s Dog podcast is part of The Less Desirables Network. It’s great being a part of podcast network along side other great podcasts like The Less Desirables, Fan Interference, The Man Who Ate The Town, The Beer Dads, Apartment 5B, and Beeswax Vinyl & More.

My podcast is only on YouTube right now, but soon it’ll be available on Spotify, Stitcher, TuneIn, and all the other places you get podcast from. I’ll keep them on YouTube. I want them readily available for ear consumption. I want listeners to find them under any rock they may turn over.

And if you haven’t heard it… Click this!

Tuesday, February 04, 2020

I'm Becoming A Dust Bowl

The other night in bed, I asked my wife to scratch my back. The itch was between the shoulder blades. Unless you’re a contortionist, you cannot get that itch scratched fast enough. You’ll use a barbed wire wrapped baseball bat to scratch that itch if that’s the nearest tool to use. Even a flaming piece of wood.

She was scratching and I was practically kicking my leg like I was starting a dirt bike because it felt so good. She said, “Honey, you’ve got dry skin.” And she stopped scratching.

“Well, don’t quit scratching,” I said.

Then she said something about my skin coming off.

“Wait… what? My skin is coming off? Is it coming off in sheets? Is it flaking off? How much am I losing?? Dammit, I need my epidermis!”

“Stop being a baby,” She said. “It’s been cold and your skin just got a little dry. You’re getting older.”

How can my skin get dry between the shoulder blades? How does that happen?

I keep a shirt on most of my waking hours. I produce heat and humidity under that shirt. What the hell? How am I suddenly becoming too arid??

After visions of me cracking up like drying mud in the desert, I eventually fell asleep. But how can this happen? Is this why women are constantly slathering up with lotion?

I’m just into my 50s and I’ve only experienced dry hands during the colder months. I’m drinking nearly a gallon of water every day now. Is this a sign of things to come? Do I now need regular checkups with a dermatologist?

I NEED to keep my skin soft and supple. Do the makers of Oil of Olay offer daily capsules to take orally?

I don’t want to stain my clothing or become slicker than an eel. I’ve seen the way women slather up. It’s like they’re greasing up a damn axle for a big ass truck. I had a girlfriend that would get out of the shower, grab a 5-gallon bucket of Aveeno daily moisturizer, and a start applying that stuff onto her body with a bricklayer’s trowel.

Is this a normal thing as we age? Or has my lack of moisturizing caught up with me? Does this kind of thing happen to you?

Sunday, February 02, 2020

Don't Sniff Me Until Further Notice

Who purchases the soap in your home?

Here in the Big House, the MIL has taken it upon herself to keep the soap stocked up. It’s greatly appreciated. Soap is one less thing to agonize over when doing the weekly shopping. She keeps us stocked with bar and liquid soaps. Regular and anti-bacterial. She also keeps up with our family toothpaste demands.

But lately things have gone slightly awry in the shower department. At least for me, that is. The current bar of soap doesn’t have a pleasant scent. I use it, but I ain’t crazy about it.

For over a month, I ignored the unpleasant bar of soap. It was there, but the handmade soaps that Jamie purchased for everyone EXCEPT me were readily available for me to use. They made me smell pleasant. I was a deliciously fragrant beast. A pleasure to sniff.

I wasn’t too crazy about one of them though. There were like little wood chips in the dang thing. I could feel them scratching my skin. I just got a feeling that the soap was making microscopic cuts and I can’t have that. It could lead to some kind of infection, right??

Jamie says that the little wood chips were actually pieces of oatmeal. But they didn’t look like any Quaker Oats that I’ve ever seen.

But now the fancy handmade soaps have come to a sudsy end and I’m left with that white bar of funk. Sure, I could check the MIL’s stash for a better smelling bar, but I’m a man dammit! I need to man up and use that bar until there are no more suds to produce.

I want to ask where she got the soap, but I’m afraid of her follow up questions. She CANNOT answer a question until she questions your question. And she takes EVERYTHING so damn personally. The slightest critique becomes a major stick for her craw to get stuck on. Then her little passive aggressive button gets pushed and she’s no longer purchasing the soap. And if soap doesn’t make it to my grocery list, then the wheels come off the train and things are majorly derailed.

My favorite mass-produced soap is Zest. But the MIL gets whatever the hell she’s gonna get from the Dollar General “sale bin”. So that bar of funky soap is probably called Sezt or Etsz. I don’t know.