Friday, September 19, 2014

Aerosmith 'Live Bootleg'

Do you watch any kind of morning television?

I really don’t, but when I’m at work we have a TV on all the time. We have three of them running all constantly in the Newsroom.

I’ve always wanted a wall of televisions in my home, but it seems expensive, distracting, and downright dumb to me now. But if I were a sports person or really into adult video, I can see the advantages of having multiple screens mounted to the wall.

But I digress…

I guess it’s part of the Today show... Kathie Lee and Hoda are on NBC. It seems to be at 30 Rockefeller with tourists peering into windows and standing on the streets holding signs desperate for attention. And there’s one segment of the folks gathered there that I don’t understand.

The woman that want to be “ambushed” and “made over”.

First of all, it’s not an ambush if you know the day or time women will be “made over”.

These women of not-so-attractive America descend onto the Big Apple in hopes that they’ll be made up and become “desirable”. I suppose that’s the deal. I really haven’t seen any of the men in their lives pop a woody right there on live TV yet. But I think that’s the deal.

They stand around with cute and festive signs that say anything except “I’m hideous. Please help me” or “I can no longer fire up my husband’s erection” or “Take my wife, please!”.

The first thing they do in the makeover, and here’s a hint for you ladies desiring such a thing, is cut the hair. I’ve seen no difference when it comes to length. They’re going to take at least 2 inches off. So if you’re sporting a “Dutch Boy” you may come out looking like GI Jane.

It’s the predictable thing they do. Well, besides slapping makeup on them as if they’re painting up a racecar to sear the retinas. Rouge and false eye lashes are the most noticeable tools of this makeover trade.

The other thing they do is give them a new outfit with a pair of shoes. Which, I suppose, is the nice thing to do when completing the unsightly to somewhat attractive metamorphosis.

So they “pretty up” these women and present them to the friends and family that are blindfolded for the viewing audience at home. The ugly duckling is tossed out onto the stage, the family pulls off the blindfold, and then it’s time for gasps and tears of joy. I’m still holding out for a husband that’s gotten used to his homely wife pitching a tent on live television, but it’s mainly a look that says… “Great. I must look excited. The bitch needs validation.”

The kids are often excited, but then again most kids lose their bowel stuffing when clowns appear.

The lady friends that go with them act about the same way. Knees buckle, hands go to the wide-open mouth, and their eyes make water.

THEN, as if that wasn’t entertaining enough, the newly “whored-up” woman is told to look in the mirror for the first viewing of her transformed self. And the response is always the same. There’s a look of happiness, joy, and disbelief. I like the ones so overcame with something that they start fanning themselves. I don’t even have the volume up on the television and that manages to crack me up every time.

So why do these women subject themselves to this type of thing?

I just don’t get it. I suppose it’s the “Cinderella” type of thing. Just once I’d like to see a woman start rubbing up against Al Roker while some Motley Crue song is cranked up.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

I seem well rested after a summer full of 6 day work weeks. The racing at Bowman Gray Stadium will not roar to life again until the last Saturday in April. Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed just about every minute of covering the action at The Madhouse. But when this Jack gets all work and no down time, he gets punchy and irritable. And I’m not easy to deal with after 17 long workweeks in succession.

The week after race season, I spent it with people celebrating a family member’s birthday. So there wasn’t a whole lot of down time for me during my first 3 day weekend since July 4th. The two weeks after that Labor Day weekend, I found plenty of time out of commission. I’ve even come around to the idea of sitting around outside with adult beverages hanging with friends and my Ion Bluetooth Tailgater. So the idea sitting around a fire pit pumping out some MP3s with a little bit of conversation has finally awakened the nature lover in me.

So now I’m back to get this award-winning blog of mine into shape. And it’s time to talk about another one of my loves… Television.

Right off the bat, let me say that this Fall season really doesn’t excite me like the years past. There are only two shows that I care about seeing… Gotham and The Flash. So I’m fairly indifferent.

I’ve even had a difficult time coming up with my ‘Best New Shows of 2014’ for The Less Desirables podcast. I’ve got four lined up so far, but a couple of them really aren’t as strong as I’d like. But I have to choose from what I’ve got to work with, right?

There are only 2 so far this year that has wowed me and keeps me wanting more. I’d share them with you, but I have to wait and stretch it out for the last 5 weeks on the podcast.

When I was a kid, I would study and get to know the TV Guide every week. I was the first to touch it when it arrived and the last one to send it to the landfill. I planned and plotted my viewing. I nearly memorized the schedule of the three networks. Due to my requirement to attend church, Wednesday and Sunday night viewing was exotic and rare. I never knew the joy of Eight Is Enough or The Greatest American Hero. And I would have to rush my parents home after Sunday evening service to see a few minutes of 60 Minutes or Ripley’s Believe It Or Not. I lived through the dark period before VCRs and DVRs.

I hope to find a few surprises this Fall television season, but the big over-the-air networks often leave me disappointed. The cable channels like FX and streaming services like Netflix is where it’s at. Oh sure, Netflix has had some disappointing programs like Hemlock Grove and BoJack Horseman but overall they provide some great original series. I’m looking forward to the return of Lilyhammer along with some of the new Marvel Universe fare.

Is there anything that has you geared up and ready for a new series?

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

The Rolling Stones 'Dirty Work'

The world is loaded with mysteries. And sometimes mysteries appear within your own little world.

Recently I have noticed something in the bottom of the toilet bowl. Something that appeared to be commonly found clinging to life in the bowl after a flush. A small pebble of excrement that pro wrestler Mick Foley has described as a nugget.

I went on with my day. I was able to sleep later that night. I just didn’t give it much thought. Soon another flush will take care of things and our toilet will be business as usual.

But there it was the next day. The nugget was still sitting at the bottom of the bowl enjoying the view of a perplexed fat guy with a full bladder.

I was still confident that another flush would be the one to take the nugget away from my little world.

After finishing my business, I pushed the handle down and watched the nugget disappear from view. Once the flush had completed its cycle, I stepped back to get a better look.

The nugget had only moved back a little. I flushed again only to watch it do a little dance as the torrents of water washed around, under, and over it. I left it resting in the bottom again without much thought. Deep in my heart, I knew it was only a matter of time before the nugget would be worn down, torn apart, and/or flushed away.

The next day Chigger asked me, “Have you noticed something at the bottom of the toilet bowl?”

I gave her my theories, but curiosity got the best of me. Once and for all this mystery was going to be solved.

I did want any man would do. I suggested that she reach down and pull it out with her hand. She balked at the idea and then I knew that I would have to do what a real man would do… Reach in with my own hand and solve the mystery.

My fingers touched a rounded but rough object. Once in my grasp, I pulled our little toilet irritant from the cool water. It was solid with a little weight. Presented to my eyes, it was obvious that I was looking at a small rock. I gave Chigger a quick and to the point review of my findings as I presented our mystery to her.

“How do you think passed that?” she asked.

“Honey,” I said with slight disbelief of the question. “I don’t think anyone in this house is swallowing rocks.”

Sure. There’s another mystery concerning our little nugget, but it’s something I’m sure will never come to a conclusion. I have a theory concerning a young man removing his clothes for shower with our mystery nugget falling from a pocket. But it’s purely speculation.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Husker Du 'Warehouse: Songs And Stories'

Here’s a subject that just doesn’t get enough attention… Passing gas in social situations. There’s just no “how to” book for that sort of thing. Did Ann Landers ever devote a chapter to the subject somewhere?

We were invited to a New Year’s Eve party at a friend’s house at Smith Mountain Lake in Virginia. For those that do not know, it’s kinda like a resort area where the rich folks frolic on the lake. And Smith Mountain Lake was a shooting location for the Bill Murray and Richard Dreyfuss film ‘What About Bob?’. It’s a beautiful area and I can easily find relaxation there when our friends invite us for a short stay.

But let’s get back to the subject of passing gas in social situations…

I had been hanging around their house during the day on December 31st. I was just chilling and convalescing from Christmas with a beer here and there. I wasn’t drinking to get drunk. I was just drinking beer because I enjoy it. I was getting a taste of different brews from Starr Hill, Legend Brewing, and a new brewery that opened near Smith Mountain Lake called Sunken City Brewing.

I like to try the local beers when I’m traveling.

For those that do not know, beer is carbonated. That air enters the body by mouth and exits from whence it came or it takes the low road. If… You know what I mean.

And since I’m not out for the Olympic Burp Team like one of the other party attendees, my carbonation tends to take the low road out of my system. But that can lead to problems.

If you don’t get it out you start to feel all bloated and then there’s some pain involved when you’re not able to release those gases. So you have to step outside on the sly to release the them into the atmosphere. You know, since I’m not 12 anymore I don’t make proclamations or just cut loose with a butt trumpet. I don’t typically let any gases fly all willy-nilly. I save those moments of intimacy for those I love.

The party started in first gear around seven and the first carbonated guest I was hosting decided that it was a good time to knock on the back door. So I stepped outside to let the beer bubbles out only to be greeted by complete strangers as they were getting out of their car. My body and mind were ready for the releasing of the bad-breath hound, but I had to tie that joker up. And the ironic part is that they were bringing in a cheese platter when I was stepping out to cut some.

I grabbed another beer from the ice bucket outside and went back in for some of that cheese along with meatballs and Little Smokies. The release was going to have to wait.

About 20 minutes later, pressure was building to the point where I was afraid to bend over. If a woman were to drop something I would have to be a gentleman and retrieve it for her. But she’d get the added excitement of me creating more living space by knocking down a wall with a single blast of bowel bloat.

So once again I stepped outside, took a quick look around for arrivals, and just when the bubble was about to crown someone came outside for a smoke.

Good God! It was getting ridiculous!

My dark passenger, as Dexter Morgan would say, was just going to have to wait it out while I poured some more passengers down my gullet. More people started to step outside so I thought to myself… Maybe I could go upstairs to the bathroom to rid myself of the beer burden.

Well, that didn’t work because a couple was upstairs assembling a dog cage for the pet they brought along. They were doing this in the room neighboring the bathroom. I simply couldn’t allow myself to break hurricane force winds when folks are within hearing range.

So again, I was going to have to wait a little bit longer.

When I came down the stairs, I decided to step out the front door to see if that coast was clear. I opened the door and whaddya know… There were people standing around on the front porch puffing away on cigarettes.

I sat on the couch with Matthew and watched him play some Xbox game. The pain was getting a little unbearable so I went back downstairs into the basement to “grab a beer”. I stepped outside and there was no one. No one! I walked out of the light to make sure no one was lurking around or getting out of their car. No One!

I let it loose like a wild rhino that had been tranquilized and tagged. BrrrrrrrrROOOOOmmmmmmm!

Yeah, it was like an elongated sonic boom! And there was immediate relief!

I turned around to find two people that entered the backyard by way of the hot tub area.

What the HELL?!

If they heard anything they weren’t letting on, but I was SO embarrassed.

My new year got off to a GREAT start!

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Guns N' Roses 'Use Your Illusion II'

The Less Desirables latest podcast has been available since Wednesday, so I think enough time has elapsed where I can write about my numbers 4 and 5 of the Best New Shows of 2014. But if you haven’t heard it yet, by all means, check it out. It’s free and available on iTunes and with the free Stitcher app.

I couldn’t go into all 5 because I had so many premieres to update the listeners on. If I go too long, Brian’s head may just explode. He’s the time keeper and when you’re running long, he’s over there shifting on his haunches as if scorpions are dancing on his sphincter.

Ever seen the film ‘Scanners’?

That’s kinda how Brian gets when time becomes an issue.

So here goes…

Coming in at number 5 is a show that I didn’t have a whole lot of faith in, but it managed to prove me wrong with the pilot episode.

‘Sleepy Hollow’ comes in at number 5.

Is it a great show?

No. It’s entertaining in a comic book sort of way. It’s filled with things paranormal with a healthy dose of light conspiracies.

The second episode was a bit of a letdown after such a damn fine premiere, but it picked back up.

It’s the kind of show where you can switch off your brain and just enjoy some good storytelling. And if you’re a resident of North Carolina, you can feel proud that the show is filmed in our state. And there’s plenty of eye candy with the stars of the show.

Bottom line… ‘Sleepy Hollow’ is good fun. And with the crop of top 5 new shows, this one is the most light-hearted.

Give it a chance if you haven’t already. It’s not too late. You can find it at here along with Hulu+ and other streaming sites.

Coming in at number 4 is a series that debuted over the summer on FX called ‘The Bridge’.

In my opinion, FX puts out some of the best shows on television. Rarely, do they lay a turd.

‘The Bridge’ starts with a body that’s found on the Mexican / American border near El Paso, Texas. Two detectives from each country work together to solve the mystery only to find out that there’s so much more story behind the corpse.

The characters are frayed and well developed. The acting is superb. The story twists and turns. The subplots and supporting cast are fantastic and at times the show can be funny. There’s a little bit of everything in ‘The Bridge’.

Look for it on sites like Hulu+. The second season will arrive in the summer. So you have plenty of time to find and watch those jokers.

Get The Less Desirables podcast when it’s fresh Wednesday night for my remaining top new shows of 2013. And if you’d like television news be sure to follow me on Twitter @eugenebsims and give The Less Desirables a “Like” on Facebook. I try to get it out hot and fresh.