Thursday, January 16, 2014
Here’s a subject that just doesn’t get enough attention… Passing gas in social situations. There’s just no “how to” book for that sort of thing. Did Ann Landers ever devote a chapter to the subject somewhere?
We were invited to a New Year’s Eve party at a friend’s house at Smith Mountain Lake in Virginia. For those that do not know, it’s kinda like a resort area where the rich folks frolic on the lake. And Smith Mountain Lake was a shooting location for the Bill Murray and Richard Dreyfuss film ‘What About Bob?’. It’s a beautiful area and I can easily find relaxation there when our friends invite us for a short stay.
But let’s get back to the subject of passing gas in social situations…
I had been hanging around their house during the day on December 31st. I was just chilling and convalescing from Christmas with a beer here and there. I wasn’t drinking to get drunk. I was just drinking beer because I enjoy it. I was getting a taste of different brews from Starr Hill, Legend Brewing, and a new brewery that opened near Smith Mountain Lake called Sunken City Brewing.
I like to try the local beers when I’m traveling.
For those that do not know, beer is carbonated. That air enters the body by mouth and exits from whence it came or it takes the low road. If… You know what I mean.
And since I’m not out for the Olympic Burp Team like one of the other party attendees, my carbonation tends to take the low road out of my system. But that can lead to problems.
If you don’t get it out you start to feel all bloated and then there’s some pain involved when you’re not able to release those gases. So you have to step outside on the sly to release the them into the atmosphere. You know, since I’m not 12 anymore I don’t make proclamations or just cut loose with a butt trumpet. I don’t typically let any gases fly all willy-nilly. I save those moments of intimacy for those I love.
The party started in first gear around seven and the first carbonated guest I was hosting decided that it was a good time to knock on the back door. So I stepped outside to let the beer bubbles out only to be greeted by complete strangers as they were getting out of their car. My body and mind were ready for the releasing of the bad-breath hound, but I had to tie that joker up. And the ironic part is that they were bringing in a cheese platter when I was stepping out to cut some.
I grabbed another beer from the ice bucket outside and went back in for some of that cheese along with meatballs and Little Smokies. The release was going to have to wait.
About 20 minutes later, pressure was building to the point where I was afraid to bend over. If a woman were to drop something I would have to be a gentleman and retrieve it for her. But she’d get the added excitement of me creating more living space by knocking down a wall with a single blast of bowel bloat.
So once again I stepped outside, took a quick look around for arrivals, and just when the bubble was about to crown someone came outside for a smoke.
Good God! It was getting ridiculous!
My dark passenger, as Dexter Morgan would say, was just going to have to wait it out while I poured some more passengers down my gullet. More people started to step outside so I thought to myself… Maybe I could go upstairs to the bathroom to rid myself of the beer burden.
Well, that didn’t work because a couple was upstairs assembling a dog cage for the pet they brought along. They were doing this in the room neighboring the bathroom. I simply couldn’t allow myself to break hurricane force winds when folks are within hearing range.
So again, I was going to have to wait a little bit longer.
When I came down the stairs, I decided to step out the front door to see if that coast was clear. I opened the door and whaddya know… There were people standing around on the front porch puffing away on cigarettes.
I sat on the couch with Matthew and watched him play some Xbox game. The pain was getting a little unbearable so I went back downstairs into the basement to “grab a beer”. I stepped outside and there was no one. No one! I walked out of the light to make sure no one was lurking around or getting out of their car. No One!
I let it loose like a wild rhino that had been tranquilized and tagged. BrrrrrrrrROOOOOmmmmmmm!
Yeah, it was like an elongated sonic boom! And there was immediate relief!
I turned around to find two people that entered the backyard by way of the hot tub area.
What the HELL?!
If they heard anything they weren’t letting on, but I was SO embarrassed.
My new year got off to a GREAT start!
Sunday, January 12, 2014
The Less Desirables latest podcast has been available since Wednesday, so I think enough time has elapsed where I can write about my numbers 4 and 5 of the Best New Shows of 2014. But if you haven’t heard it yet, by all means, check it out. It’s free and available on iTunes and with the free Stitcher app.
I couldn’t go into all 5 because I had so many premieres to update the listeners on. If I go too long, Brian’s head may just explode. He’s the time keeper and when you’re running long, he’s over there shifting on his haunches as if scorpions are dancing on his sphincter.
Ever seen the film ‘Scanners’?
That’s kinda how Brian gets when time becomes an issue.
So here goes…
Coming in at number 5 is a show that I didn’t have a whole lot of faith in, but it managed to prove me wrong with the pilot episode.
‘Sleepy Hollow’ comes in at number 5.
Is it a great show?
No. It’s entertaining in a comic book sort of way. It’s filled with things paranormal with a healthy dose of light conspiracies.
The second episode was a bit of a letdown after such a damn fine premiere, but it picked back up.
It’s the kind of show where you can switch off your brain and just enjoy some good storytelling. And if you’re a resident of North Carolina, you can feel proud that the show is filmed in our state. And there’s plenty of eye candy with the stars of the show.
Bottom line… ‘Sleepy Hollow’ is good fun. And with the crop of top 5 new shows, this one is the most light-hearted.
Give it a chance if you haven’t already. It’s not too late. You can find it at here along with Hulu+ and other streaming sites.
Coming in at number 4 is a series that debuted over the summer on FX called ‘The Bridge’.
In my opinion, FX puts out some of the best shows on television. Rarely, do they lay a turd.
‘The Bridge’ starts with a body that’s found on the Mexican / American border near El Paso, Texas. Two detectives from each country work together to solve the mystery only to find out that there’s so much more story behind the corpse.
The characters are frayed and well developed. The acting is superb. The story twists and turns. The subplots and supporting cast are fantastic and at times the show can be funny. There’s a little bit of everything in ‘The Bridge’.
Look for it on sites like Hulu+. The second season will arrive in the summer. So you have plenty of time to find and watch those jokers.
Get The Less Desirables podcast when it’s fresh Wednesday night for my remaining top new shows of 2013. And if you’d like television news be sure to follow me on Twitter @eugenebsims and give The Less Desirables a “Like” on Facebook. I try to get it out hot and fresh.
Thursday, January 09, 2014
If you’re totally unaware, I’m on a weekly pop culture podcast called The Less Desirables. There are three of us and I joined them to talk about my first love, television.
I give the week’s premiere dates, significant series finale dates, and I give my own reviews from time to time. Of course, being the critical jerk that I am, I give my opinion on shows that I’m not reviewing. Sometimes you don’t need to see a turd to know that something smells like a turd. Reality shows tend to give off that kind of essence.
Since I joined The Less Desirables, I’ve made best of / worst of the year lists. But this year I’m just going with the best of 2013. No worst. I’m trying to be more positive this year so I don’t want to weigh myself down with the negatives.
I had a difficult time coming up with my top five. There are SO many good shows on the networks and even streaming services. I prefer television these days to anything in the movie theaters. Just to give you an idea of how much I prefer television, I have had ‘The Fighter’ on DVD from Netflix since mid October. I have no burning desire to watch it although I hear that it’s a great film.
Before I get to my top five, let me give some honorable mentions.
First series that comes to mind… ‘The Following’ on FOX. It’s a show that makes Edgar Allan Poe creepy again. It’s full of twists and turns. Season one ended with a nice little cliffhanger and the second season starts up later this month.
I’ve only seen the pilot episode of the FOX series ‘Almost Human’, but from that one viewing I was hooked. I had to jump through hoops to get the pilot. For some reason, our DVR didn’t record it even though it recorded the second episode the following night. We just haven’t seen the other episodes because we’re so behind on ‘Arrow’, ‘Homeland’, ‘Masters Of Sex’, and ‘Sleepy Hollow’. And if Chigger’s kids binge-watched that mofo in a day it has to be good.
Since I mentioned ‘Masters Of Sex’ (Showtime), I gotta mention how good of a show it is. Sure, it’s a bit of a soap opera but there is plenty of nudity. And it gives you a historical view of the folks that challenged social attitudes towards sex and sparked the sexual revolution.
And the last honorable mention goes to another Showtime series, ‘Ray Donavan’.
The show started off the blocks fantastically, but as it went on the less I cared about it. The show reminds me a bit of ‘The Black Donnellys’ that ran for a short minute of NBC back in 2007. I’m not saying that it’s bad. I just didn’t have a burning desire to watch it as soon as possible.
Check out The Less Desirables latest podcast for my #5 and #4 of the Best New Shows of 2013. It’s free onr our website, iTunes, and with the Stitcher app. And I’ll write a little more in depth as to why I found them worthy of the best after you’ve had some time to digest the podcast.
Thursday, December 26, 2013
If you personally know me, then it’s no surprise that I dislike the Christmas season.
It’s not because I have a problem with greed, gluttony, consumerism, children, Santa Claus, Hanukkah, new electronics, Christianity, or even Kwanza. I live and let live.
My dislike of the Christmas season came at an early age.
Oh sure, it was great getting up at an ungodly hour to see what the jolly old elf snuck into the house during the night as well as ripping through other gifts. That was awesome. What turned me against the holiday was being forced to participate in almost every church Christmas play.
My mother was typically involved as the director or assistant director or the music director, so she had me and my sisters involved. I never wanted to be included. Wearing itchy costumes and memorizing painfully bad dialogue wasn’t my idea of a “good time”. It seemed endless and I found it painful practicing the plays every week. And practices usually cranked up in the beginning of November.
I despised it. My sisters never seemed to care. If they did, I was busy with my mind “checked out” to notice.
Now I’m not trying to be sacrilegious… Seriously, how many times do we need the birth of Christ shoved down our throats?
No room. Check. Manger. Check. Large star. Check. Three wise men. Check. Animals. Check. Angel appears. Check. Christ is born. Yeah, we know. We’ve heard it all about for two thousand years.
Occasionally, there would be new plays with the same kind of messages along with new and different songs. But it still sucked major ass to be involved with them. I just soldiered through and kept my bitching at a minimum.
When I turned 18 I wasn’t required to participate or even go to church. So I took full advantage of that freedom and haven’t looked back. But I still cringe when my mother tries the guilt-trip routine with “all I want for Christmas is for you to come to our church Christmas program”.
I’ve given in to it a few times. I’m not a completely heartless bastard.
I worked in retail for over a decade of my life and that also added to my dislike of the Holiday season. Traffic gets worse. I’ve seen fistfights over parking spaces. People are less polite. It was hellish and I truly appreciate the folks that work in retail during this time of year. I go out of my way to be polite, personable, and pleasant to all the “associates” throughout the stores when I’m there. I try to do the majority of my purchases online so I don’t have to deal with the rest of humanity. I have the distinct impression that they’ll tap dance all over Stephen Hawking with golf spikes to get the hottest sale item for Christmas. And my mood becomes that of a rabid dog when I’m in long lines filled with the last-minute undecided and restless, sticky-handed children.
I don’t care for decorating the house for any holiday either. It seems unwise spending money on things that sit 10 months or more in storage. So if Chigger wants to decorate for the holidays, she can knock herself out. I’ll be doing something else with a beer in my hand. I’ll help with some heavy lifting, but I draw the line at distributing and tacking up holiday eye candy.
Not a fan of those either. They’re usually a musical or filled with heartwarming crap. ‘Die Hard’ is great and I absolutely love ‘The Waltons: The Homecoming’. It’s hilariously bad.
I’ve never seen the majority of the “holiday favorites”. And that includes the television specials like ‘Grinch’, ‘Rudolph’, ‘Frosty’, and ‘Peanuts’. I have absolutely no desire and never had it.
Chigger asked me a couple of years ago to watch ‘A Christmas Story’ with her during a week long marathon. It became so painful for her that she eventually threw the remote control, said a few curse words, and declared me to be an unstable human being.
Sorry… You hear about the movie in great detail EVERY SINGLE YEAR by your friends that love it, it kinda loses all its luster.
And for some reason, I got ‘A Christmas Story’ t-shirt from my niece Gracie this year. Either she or her mother is under the impression that I have held Gracie while watching that “holiday classic”. Someone is under the belief that it’s one of my favorites. Manufactured or not, I can live with the gift of a starfish shaped kid wrapped in a coat with an “amusing” phrase on a red shirt. I don’t want to seem ungrateful nor do I want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I just can’t understand how someone I grew up with could overlook my lifelong dislike of holidays. Oh well.
I wish folks a “Merry Christmas” with a smile. I don’t DARE wish someone I know that’s a Christian a “Happy Holiday”. They’ve got a real chip on their shoulder about that one. They get agitated and pontificate on “the reason for the season” along with a healthy dose of a conspiracy to take Christ out of Christmas by the flaming liberals.
If it didn’t take so long to calm them down, I would probably find it more amusing. I have never had the riot act read to me by a Jewish person if I give them a “Happy Holiday” or a “Merry Christmas”. But it’s been my observation that Baptists do like their drama.
In closing, I hope everyone reading this had a wonderful holiday season. Now lets get this New Year’s thing over with and give it all a rest for 10 months.
Friday, November 15, 2013
Since Keith in France asked... The title of each blog entry is the musical choice for my day. It's the CD that I drag around with me to enjoy while driving. And I rip it and keep it on my MP3 player until the stock in the 30GB rotates it out. I chose a disc for each day. It's my OCD thing and yes, I know it's funny.
Why do I use my CD of the Day as the title?
Well quite frankly, I'm too lazy to find a catchy title and I'd like to give you a peek into my music collection. You know... For what it's worth.
Now on to my update...
I found myself walking through nearly a foot of dead leaves in the backyard the other day. I slipped and nearly fell as made my way down a small hill. Leaves can be slick even when they’re dry.
Sam has been too busy with extracurricular activities to dedicate time for leaf sweeping the yard, so I decided I would give it a shot. How hard can it be to drive a riding mower?
I got that joker started, but I couldn’t find reverse. There was no gear shift! The only thing that looked like a gear shift was the lever that controlled the height of the actual mower bladey thing. (I think they call it a deck) There was a bright yellow lever near the steering wheel, but I didn’t understand its purpose. So I sat on a running mower reading over the printed instructions that weren’t very clear to me. I saw no mention of using reverse so I uttered “Screw it” and turned it off.
The leaves were going to wait until a more capable person came along.
I felt a little defeated. I had a beer ready to roll with me. I had my Zune MP3 player and ear buds ready with random musical goodness. I was prepared for leaf duty.
And dammit, I can drive a straight-drive car or truck.
That’s all I ever heard during my life. All those years my father drove it into my head… “If you can drive a car with a manual transmission, you can drive anything.”
Well, it looks like my father never warned me about the John Deere riding mower and it’s elusive reverse.
Here’s the real kicker…
The next day Sam and Chigger hit the lawn with an all out assault on the leaves. Sam was riding around the yard sweeping up leaves on the riding mower. Chigger was armed with a rake and leaf blower. They fought Mother Nature’s confetti cannon for an hour until grass was visible.
Me? Where was I?
I supported them with KP duty. I prepared sandwiches and beverages for the hard yard workers. I even took them the food so they wouldn’t have to stop. I cleaned the kitchen. I did laundry. I even did a little sweeping and vacuuming. I was mother-fo’ing Hazel!
I was told by a jury of two that it was probably a good idea that I not learn how to drive and operate the riding mower. At first, I took offense to this ruling. But it only took a few minutes to get over it and pop open another beer.