Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Benjomatic 'Benjomatic'

I watched the space shuttle Discovery take off this morning. Thankfully, there were incidents or accidents that will attract the attention of the average reality-based television watching American citizen. Now, if Paris Hilton were to gather up enough courage to match her repulsiveness and hop on board the shuttle, folks would tune in by the millions.

Yes, I said it. I personally think that Paris Hilton is unattractive. Would I date or marry her?

Of course I would. I am not insane. If I could access her bank account in exchange for closed eyes, marital sex… I would gladly hop onto that shuttle, baby.

Here’s a short list of female celebrities that I personally find atrocious…

Paris Hilton
Angelina Jolie
Cameron Diaz
Oprah Winfrey (on more than a few levels)
Michelle Pfeiffer
Fantasia Barrino
Jennilee Harrison

Have you seen Jennilee Harrison lately?

She replaced Suzanne Sommers on ‘Three’s Company’ as Chrissy’s cousin Cindy. As a young lad, I thought Harrison was ten times hotter than Sommers. I really dug the way that she filled out those skin-tight designer jeans. She had big hair and I was, and still am, a big fan of big-haired women.

About a year ago, I was flipping channels to find something that my pea-sized brain would find appetizing before the race came on. I stumbled upon one of those product info-mercials for a magical grinder slash blender. Jennilee Harrison was quizzing the inventor or chef spokesman.

This wasn’t the same Jennilee that I was lusted for on my television set back in the late 70’s / early 80’s. No, she looked like she stepped out of a time machine after being liberated from a Nazi death camp. She looked as if she had been tortured and starved months before filming the info-mercial. She looked horrible and yet I couldn’t turn the TV. Her bony fingers handing over everything from nuts to chunks of cinderblocks to be ground and blended into powder by this wonderful new product. It was awful.

I screamed at my television, “Get that woman a ham biscuit, STAT!!”

Feel free to leave you comments about the celebrities that you find unattractive.

That somehow got me off the subject that I wanted to bring up… I watched the space shuttle take off on the NASA Channel on Directv. If you have Directv and you didn’t realize it, NASA has it’s own channel on 376. Lots of the programming is rather boring. There are no reruns of ‘Battlestar Galactica’ or ‘Invaders’. As a matter of fact, they don’t bring up aliens or extra-terrestrials at all. They’re a government agency so you know that they’re sweeping them under the rug. Damn Feds!

My Father watches the RFD channel. That’s right, the Rural Farm District television network. He cannot get enough of cattle auctions, mechanical-pornographic forays on farm tractors, and bluegrass shows that are filmed in backyards. It’s crazy!

I don’t remember the channel though. So if you have Directv, feel free to stroll through the upper 300’s.

I did see a commercial for ‘The Porter Wagoner Show’ once, but I haven’t been able to locate when the show comes on. Go ahead, make fun of me, but I love me some Porter Wagoner.

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