Thursday, June 29, 2006

Alice In Chains ‘Facelift’



You know, health care practitioners really don’t have a sense of humor. I realize they’re in a field where they have to be somewhat serious, but Jesus Chrysler Dodge, lighten up.

I remember when I got my first and only flu shot when I was a manager at Peaches Music & Video. I didn’t want to get one, but our General Manager of Operations required it for those of us in management positions.

Imagine my surprise when I sat in the walk-in clinic and was handed a small stack of papers to read and sign before getting the shot. I read the list of things that can happen once you receive the shot and it even included instant death. I signed on the dotted line anyway and figured that I wouldn’t have any type of reaction like Len Bias had with cocaine. I mean, what’s the worst that can happen?

I was instructed to have a seat on the table and got a battery of minor tests like blood pressure and temperature. After taking my temperature, the nurse asked me if I felt all right because my body temperature was a little high. I felt fine and she asked if I had been chewing gum and if I had been drinking coffee. I did neither before coming in.

Cool with what I told her, she pulled out the syringe loaded with flu shot and she started to dab my arm with alcohol. I said, “Give it to me slow.”

Nothing. Not even a smile from this woman of medicine.

She stabbed me quick with the needle and pushed the flu directly into my bloodstream. It was no joke, I could feel it going down my arm and back up. I was getting sweaty and asked the nurse why I was feeling woozy. The next thing I remember, I woke up with my face between the nurses’ breasts with an eyeful of white sweater.

She laid me down on the table and within 2 shakes of clown’s liquor bottle, the doctor was checking me over and asking me questions. He expressed concerns about my temperature, but agreed with the nurses’ assessment that it was probably my average temperature. All in all, he said that I had a negative reaction to the flu shot and he made me stay for an hour until he was sure that I was all right.

I had never reacted to another shot like that before or since, so I’ve decided that I will never, ever get another flu shot.

And yesterday, when I was helping out Hinzy with his errands, we took his cat to the vet. I had to make a call and didn’t want to do it in the vet’s lobby, so I stayed outside to make it. When I went inside, I held my left hand to my gut and said, “I can’t go the Emergency Room, I’ve been shot and I need the bullet removed.”

They looked at me with no concern whatsoever and I bailed on the joke. I guess they could have been expecting me to pull out a weapon and make them take out the bullet.

Those medical folks seemingly have no sense of humor when they’re on the job.

Have you ever seen The Tyra Banks Show?

This has be the worst talk show ever! And for some crazy reason, I find myself watching it from time to time. Today, Tyra confronted Naomi Campbell and got to the bottom of their “feud”. Also, as if that weren’t enough, she took off her push-up bra in front of the camera (her shirt was on) and let her girls down. She used her hands to show how her lifted boobs could be misidentified as fake. Then she had her fun bags x-rayed to show the live audience and the millions watching at home that her jugoids were in fact real. The show is so stupid and shallow that I cannot help but watch when I run across it. It’s all about Tyra and even if the subject has nothing to do with her, she manages to spin a tale making a link between the guest and her many self-indulgent experiences.

And since I’m talking about crappy talk shows, I’ve always wanted to go on something like Jerry Springer with a completely fabricated story and play it out before the cameras. I guess it's the professional wrestling fan in me wanting to do it. I think I could pull it off and I’m willing to take a few bumps too.

Now, just to find a willing partner in crime.

3 comments:

  1. Christine9:27 PM

    You are hilarious when you're spontaneous and off the cuff, making random Eugene observations about the current situation or moment. But when you're actively trying to be funny...well...you often just aren't. I'm betting you could have had those so-called "humorless" health care professionals rolling in the aisles if you hadn't been working on making jokes.

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  2. I hereby volunteer to go on the Springer show with you and participate in your fabricated story.

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  3. I make nurses laugh all the time. Usually I'm undressed, but they're laughing ... and pointing.

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