Monday, March 19, 2007

The Non-Conformist Cult Radio Show 3/5/04 - 3/9/04



Here’s the deal… My cousin Dan Lively and I were always birds of a feather. At times, we knew each other so well that we would look at each other and laugh because we were thinking the same thing. It was usually about making the same joke.

Dan and I were also two very different people. Not that we were so different from each other, but different from the “normal” folks around us. Dan was the nut willing to put himself in harm’s way for the laughs of any prank or joke and I was the straight man with the zingers.

Those who “got us” would hang around and enjoy the ride. Those who didn’t simply dismissed us as “dumb asses”. We caused trouble for our parents, trouble for those whose care we were left in, and damage to a church once.

Dan lives in West Virginia. We don’t see each other that often, but when we do, we generally attract an audience. Whatever we did, we usually attracted a crowd.

I’m not sure about the year, but I’m guessing that what I’m about to tell you happened in the late 70’s.

Our Grandmother Clarkson (“Maw-maw”) was working as the housekeeper for a lawyer and former a candidate for Governor of West Virginia, Jim Sprouse. The Sprouse’s lived near Union, WV on a nice little spread complete with a mansion on the hill. It may not have been a mansion per se, but to my young and impressionable eyes, it was.

Our grandmother lived in the smaller and older Sprouse House on their spread. I don’t really think that it was so much smaller as it was older, but I found the place magnificent. The rooms still contained the furniture and many of the items decorating them. It was like strolling through a museum. It was a place of endless discovery that I believed was occasionally visited by the folks that once lived there. I never broke or took anything because I never felt alone in that house. And it wasn’t a scary type of never feeling alone, it was a peaceful place.

One Christmas or Thanksgiving (I can’t remember), the majority of the family got together for our celebration. After a couple of hours of boredom and not being able to explore the house (after all… We did damage a church once), Dan and I hatched a plan to keep ourselves busy and entertained.

We got ourselves two large glasses to fill with every non-toxic liquid or semi-liquid in the house. After a little bit of every non-toxic substance was collected from the house, we were going to drink it.

We started in the refrigerator with milk, water, mustard, mayonnaise, ketchup, orange juice, soy sauce, raw eggs, and anything else considered a liquid or semi-liquid. From the cupboards we found other delights such as red and white wine. There was also food coloring, vanilla extract, and other liquids used for cooking or baking. Even medicines like Pepto-Bismol and cod liver oil went in the brew. If it was in a somewhat liquid state, it was going to be mixed in.

We were like pied pipers strolling around the house with our glasses and the younger kids in tow.

Every now and again, Dan or myself would stroll into the group of adults to ask if something was “non-toxic”. For some reason, it didn’t attract too much attention. Perhaps it was because they secretly wanted us dead. Dead and in the ground where we would cause them no more trouble or embarrassment.

We ended up with two big messes that looked like congealed blood. I’d say that we each gathered up at least 16 ounces of the worst smelling, non-toxic, semi-liquid concoction the world had ever seen.

With all the items found worthy and non-toxic to be included in our elixir, it was now time to drink. We both found our gulps to be quite disgusting and we managed to swallow it. The foulness of the drink caused us to make Mr. Yuck like faces…



The audience of younger cousins and siblings all howled with disgust during our tasting. If I recall correctly, I think my cousin Paula actually gagged while watching us drink.

We offered the mixture for tasting, but only one brave soul stepped up to bat. Dan’s youngest sister Melanie (I think around 6 years old at the time) bellied up to the bar and took a slug. And what disgusted us the most, especially Dan and me, she took another drink and proclaimed it “good”.

It was a stupid idea that turned out to be great fun and a lasting memory for all who witnessed the event. I offer you this suggestion… Do not try it yourself.

11 comments:

  1. Anonymous12:14 PM

    Eugene,

    You are right about "Maw-Maw's" house at that time. It was large, and I too think there were many a ghost in the house. Just reading that made me relive the whole event. I have laughed myself silly this morning with that story. I believe you were able to capture it just as it happened. Now, Lets move on to the story where you and Dan spend the whole summer together and you flooded Aunt Betty (Dans Mother's) basement. Don't omit the part of why you were in the basement with water to start with. Thats the best part. Oh, Those were so the good days.

    Pamela

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  2. The basement has already been documented.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Charles9:18 PM

    I hang around you and am quick to call you off as a dumbass, simply because it's funny.

    Mr. Yuk brings back memories. I remember the jingle as if I had just watched the commercial. Zak from Duke Power ran a close second as favorite childhood logo, slightly ahead of Count Chocula.

    Your liquid/semi-liquid concoction just screams of utter disgust. You sir, were Jackass before Jackass was Jackass. Kudos to you. Als, kudos to me for being able to use the word 'Jackass' three times in a sentence.

    Where's a Mr.Yuk sticker when you need one?

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  4. Charles9:19 PM

    I hang around you and am quick to call you off as a dumbass, simply because it's funny.

    Mr. Yuk brings back memories. I remember the jingle as if I had just watched the commercial. Zak from Duke Power ran a close second as favorite childhood logo, slightly ahead of Count Chocula.

    Your liquid/semi-liquid concoction just screams of utter disgust. You sir, were Jackass before Jackass was Jackass. Kudos to you. Als, kudos to me for being able to use the word 'Jackass' three times in a sentence.

    Where's a Mr.Yuk sticker when you need one?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Charles9:20 PM

    Woo Hoo! I puiblished my message twice.
    Damn, I'm good. And sleepy too.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous5:18 AM

    I shall "search" that on your blog so that Kevin and I can read all about it (the basement). Just so you know, by the look on Kevin's face I'm not sure he believes that you really drank that "mess in a glass". Gosh, How funny that I can still picture that day in my mind. Oh, You were right. It was Christmas.

    Pamela

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  7. Charles,

    Thank you... I think. Believe me, Dan and I did A LOT of stupid and dangerous things. I've only documented 2 off the iceberg's tip.

    Congratulations on using "jackass" three times in a sentence. How's that helping your NASCAR Fantasy Team?

    Huh?

    Who's talking smack now, dumbass? :)

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  8. I just stumbled across this completely true story... what else does the general public know of our 'jackass before jackass' shenanigans? (hmmm... also played 'grungeish' music 10 years before that seattle thing occurred, but in rural wv who notices such things?)

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  9. DAN!!!!

    Thanks for dropping by!

    Love ya, baby!

    ReplyDelete
  10. The C/Kaseys are killing me! How can you go from winning 6 races in one season to destroying my fantasy league week-in and week-out? How can I lose to a team that has Robbie Gordon!? I am last! Last! This is disgusting!

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  11. Kim,

    Have you seen who became my friend on my MySpace page?

    www.myspace.com/eugenebsims

    ReplyDelete