Thursday, September 13, 2007

Robert Plant 'Manic Nirvana'

I’m going through another period of not sleeping once again. I’d liked to say that it’s stress, but that wouldn’t be truthful. I’d also would like to say that it’s not about a woman… But that would be a lie.

I feel like I’m doing crazy things to fill the void.

To use the well-worn phrase… I want something that I can’t have. And I feel a little betrayed by the whole situation. At times, I feel angry. Other times, I feel like I should just accept the situation and roll with it… And I should never trust my instincts or heart again. It’s becoming quite apparent that my heart is in the habit of lying its ass off in order to destroy me.

But why?

You see… I’ve always been the Capraesque hopeless romantic type. I spent many years denying it. I’ve never been one to believe in the “love at first sight” thing. I’ve always seen it as a myth or at least a very bad plot device used way too much on The Love Boat. And yet I always felt like there was a happy ending written for me. An ending that I’ve been waiting over 40 years for.

When I least expected it, life dealt out a hand that I’m sure has had my deceitful heart buckled over with laughter ever since. The first sight thing happened to me. It was strange. It felt magical. She was like a 18-wheel tanker truck that was hiding behind a small bush. And even if I were a blind man… I would be able to smell the gasoline.

As I got to know her, I was doing things that I had never done before. Things that I was never compelled to do for any other of my romantic interests. My own thoughts and interests took a backseat. I actually wanted to put someone else ahead of myself. I wanted to know her and where she’s been. Not to judge her, but to know her entirely.

If she were sick, I wanted to make sure she was being cared for. If she was feeling good and happy about something, I wanted to celebrate. And if it were an accomplishment… I was her one man fanzone of face painters cheering her on. If she needed something, anything… I wanted to be the person that she could always count on. And give her someone who appreciates her free-spirited soul without confinements.

She had the ability to pull me out of my small little pond with a helping hand only to toss me head first into an ocean. She had me entertaining the idea of going places and doing things. She had me trying things that caused my eyes to open.

Sure… It was scary. Hell, the whole deal was confounding to me. I could see the fiery crash ending written into the script and my deceitful heart kept driving me onward with a big Hemi engine.

So yeah… The crazy stuff has been exactly that… Crazy. Fun. Reckless. I don’t have too many regrets about those things. I just want my Capraesque happy ending. I want my deceitful heart to make up for all its wrong doing.

And since I’ve written this… Feel free to pull up a lawn chair and grab a cooler full of your favorite beverages. Sit back and watch this representative film clip that isn’t exactly all that Capraesque… It’s only a peak into what I’ve been feeling.

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