Saturday, November 24, 2007

Life Sex & Death 'The Silent Majority'

I met up with my friend Sean Whitley yesterday afternoon. I haven’t seen the furry giant since July or early August because of my busy schedule. Since his wife and daughter were out of town… And I had the weekend off… We had the perfect excuse to hang out, eat lots of fried foods, drink copious amounts of beer, and watch some DVD’s without grief from any women.

I picked up his sorry ass up after work and we made a couple of runs… A quick trip to Walgreen’s and a little stop at Total Wine for a suitcase of Yuengling (I sure wish they had Dixie Beer).

Then we hit the Golden Koi buffet joint on Battleground. I haven’t been there since I’ve changed my eating habits and they changed their name. Still good stuff!

Sean started talking about zombies again… He kept mentioning zombies during our ride around town… He spoke about how his 4 year old daughter plays “zombie” with her Barbie dolls…

“Zombies eat brains, Barbie. Once they catch you, they eat your brain. Then you turn into a zombie and then you eat brains…”

As Sean and I sat over a plate full of artery-clogging goodness, he said… “You know… I think that I would handle myself pretty well if a zombie apocalypse were to happen. I have no problem remaining calm…”

And that’s when I had to interrupt with… “Do you really think about this stuff?”

It seems that Sean has been enjoying a lot of zombie movies from Netflix… 28 Days Later, 28 Weeks Later, Land Of The Dead, and the fantastic remake of Dawn Of The Dead has been influencing his little apocalyptic fantasies.

Once we got to his pad, we immediately cracked open a few Yuenglings. I was dying… I mean DYING to watch some more Freaks And Geeks! He obliged and quickly became a fan of the show. We watched all three episodes from disc 5. I need that last disc 6 as quickly as possible.

Then we wanted to put in The Hills Have Eyes 2 and settle in for a little bad horror movie fun. I threw the disc into the player and went to fetch myself a barley pop when I heard Sean say, “This disc will not work in this player.” And when I got in front of the TV, that message was displayed on the screen.

Deep in my heart… I knew what that meant. A broken disc. Rats!

So we put in my other disc… The Astronaut Farmer.

Let me tell you folks… The Astronaut Farmer is definitely one of the worst films ever made. Suspension of disbelief is not only necessary, but recommended. Plausibility wasn’t only thrown out the window… It was hoisted onto a catapult and tossed off the continent. Science and mathematics doesn’t seem to play any role in Astronaut Farmer’s desire to reach space. This movie lacks any common sense and plays upon the viewer’s admiration of the “American can-do” and “no-matter-what” type of spirit.

Farmer (Billy Bob Thornton) is deep in debt, wanders the farm in a space suit, built a rocket in the barn, and has recruited his 15 year old son as his engineer.

His family seemingly has no real idea that the man is crazy. Hell, the whole film has no idea that the audience watching could actually know that the entire story is complete and utter bullsh*t.

Do you know how many scientists it took to make the moon landing possible?

I don’t know for sure, but there was a large room full of them working and working on mathematical equations for every sneeze an astronaut made. Computers just can’t do what those guys did, so why would the film’s writers try to sneak a 15 year old kid by us?

Is the viewing/American public so stupid to believe that just because you want to launch yourself into space that it’s as easy as thinking of it?

And the crash scene where Farmer decides to launch himself from the barn (without a proper launch pad and without the proper launch structure) and ends up sailing across the landscape until an abrupt stop occurs…?

In real life, that mofo would have died BIG TIME!

There is so much wrong with the film Astronaut Farmer on so many levels that I can’t list them here. I just don’t have enough time.

The cast includes Virginia Madsen (the only thing possibly real in the film are her breasts), Bruce Dern, J.K. Simmons, Jay Leno, and an unaccredited (we know why) Bruce Willis. Did these talented individuals even read the script before the production began? Or did they just take the “Michael Caine” approach by doing anything with a paycheck attached?

The Astronaut Farmer is one of those bad films that is great to watch while making fun of it. I gave it only 1 star on Netflix, but the “fun factor” of pointing out its flaws would get a 5 star rating.

I just can’t stop thinking about how folks around the world could actually think space travel would be as simple as it’s portrayed in this film. That totally blows my mind.