Sunday, June 29, 2008

Stratocruiser 'Egg Shells'

Okay… I’m going to gripe.

For those I personally know… That won’t come as a surprise to you.

Netflix is going to change their policy on how many queues you can have under your registered name.

You won’t be able to keep a separate list for your kid. And it’s important to have that little feature because as we all know… Kids can watch some crap. Thundercats, Dora The Explorer, some Japanimation series, or a Hannah Montana feature commercial.

Your significant other needs that separate list. Depending on your situation… Who wants Jean Claude Van Damm, Project Runway, or Gone With The Wind showing up in the mashed up list?

I’m just not sure that I want to know everything about them.

What’s killing me about Netflix’s rollback of a popular feature… I had to destroy my television queue.

Yes. I’ve already pulled the trigger on that SOB.

Netflix gave me some appointed time in September to have all my affairs in order before they cock the hammer back.

I acted quickly and put that baby to sleep. I didn’t want to lose anything on that list. I put that bitch Six Feet Under on my unified queue. Star Trek: Voyager will take me where no man (or woman) has gone before. I shall leave no Gilmore Girls behind!

So now I’m trying to find the balance in my Netflix world again. The perfect mix of new releases, classics, older movies that I’ve never seen, and television shows.

I have a system in place and we’ll see how it goes.

--While watching season one of The Untouchables… I have found myself obsessed with the dimension of the studio sets. I want to have a physical idea of how big those studio sets are.

I’ll watch Robert Stack walk a straight line from the front door to the couch and count his steps. Then I will walk that same amount of steps from one point of my house to another so I can gauge the size of that set.

Is that crazy or what?

The Untouchables also reminded me about a fad that went on during the 30’s. A fad that a lot of you youngsters may have never heard about or want to emulate… Flag pole sitting.

There were famous flagpole sitters that traveled around the country and made money for their appearances and demonstrations. One of them helped Eliot Ness and his boys spy on some gangsters. Jackstraw Wilson paid the ultimate price to help Eliot Ness and The Untouchables capture the entire Renaldo gang along with imported, bloodthirsty killers from various points on the Globe.

And the sad thing… Jackstraw Wilson was killed while wearing a clown suit.

It was all real!

Renaldo not only tried to put the hit on the Fed’s star witness, but he went after his family and broke his little girl’s legs using a truck. The little girl liked to dance and was good at it too.

The star witness was Renaldo’s accountant that kept nothing on paper or in ledgers. He kept it all in his head. And he kept it to the penny against two accountants with adding machines.

I’m digging The Untouchables.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Duffy 'Rockferry'

I could have lost an eye today.

Most of us take our eyes for granted. We wake up and look at the world with blurry vision until the day comes into view.

It’s easy to take for granted because we don’t think about it. That is, until you pop open a bottle of beer by using a fence post instead of an opener.

The bottle I opened created a loud “POP” sound while the cap rocketed towards my cheek. The sharp metal edges hit my face and I thought I could have opened up some skin. I checked for any blood by using my fingers to feel the place where the cap left its sting. There was no breakage of skin and no blood.

I thought to myself… Thank Holly Hobbie I had my glasses on because if that thing hadda hit my eye… I don’t even want to think about it.

This is a lesson to the kids… If you’re going to pop open a bottle of beer without an opener… Please wear some eye protection.

--My parents gave me an Ion USB turntable for Christmas last year.

It’s a turntable that you plug directly into the computer to transfer old LP’s into MP3’s. It’s supposed to make it simple for computer idiots like me.

I have put off setting it up because I wanted to get a laptop. That way, the turntable would remain in a stationary position while the laptop would always be on the move.

Well… My television gave up the ghost last February and those new fangled Hi Def TV’s cost more than champion race horses. The acquisition of a laptop computer has been pushed back indefinitely.

Now I’m entertaining the idea of setting it up and transferring some old LP’s into the digital domain on the PC. So I pulled out an old LP from my collection that has yet to be replaced by a CD… Dokken’s ‘Tooth And Nail'.

I pulled the vinyl disc from the sleeve and gave it a quick inspection before putting it on an old fashioned stereo turntable. I found the LP itself in great condition with no obvious scratches. Record geeks would find the vinyl in near M- (mint minus) condition.

I’m pretty sure that I haven’t listened to ‘Tooth And Nail’ for at least 15 years. And I’ve forgotten just how good an album it is!

Sure… It’s poppy, melodic hard rock with bad hair styles and bandanas, but it’s some damn good stuff! The collection of songs represents “good lovin’ gone bad” types of scenarios (“Just Got Lucky”, “Heartless Heart”), questions about religion (“When Heaven Comes Down”), revisiting a failed relationship (“Into The Fire”), and ends with a quick dive into casual misogynistic sex (“Bullets To Spare”) that provides no real solution (“Alone Again”).

‘Tooth And Nail’ is a fine example of what was right with “hair metal”. The songs hit you in the gut while they sang to you with sweet melody. It’s easy to find yourself pounding out the beats while singing along to simple Motown-esque songs like “Heartless Heart”.

It’s simple and to the point. An enjoyable album that I had long forgotten about.

Here’s the video for “Just Got Lucky” for your enjoyment…

According to the legend surrounding the making of the video... George Lynch performs his solo on a volcanic site. There were poinsonous gases in the air and a slight eruption shortly after the completion of that shooting.

That ladies and gentlemen is rock n' roll.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Megadeth 'Peace Sells...But Who's Buying?'

Pamela Anderson.

Pamela Anderson.

Pamela Anderson.

This is an open letter to Tommy Lee who is forging ahead with another romantic and possibly pornographic relationship with Pamela Anderson.

Tommy… May I call you Tommy?

Anyway… I’m an overnight DJ at WKRR / Rock 92 in Greensboro, North Carolina. Remember the place where Nikki Sixx got into an altercation with a black security guard?

It made national news and I’m sure you remember the place. But anyways… I read on one of my show prep sites that you are alerted by Google whenever Pamela Anderson is mentioned on the Internet. Is this true?

Here’s some advice from .38 Special, Tommy…

Just hold on loosely, but don't let go
If you cling too tightly,
You're gonna lose control
Your baby needs someone to believe in
And a whole lot of space to breathe in

I’m sure you may dismiss .38 Special as some washed up southern rock band, but there’s lots of wisdom in those few lines Mr. Lee.

Feel free to email me:

Or you can leave me a voicemail by calling 336-274-8042 ext. 172

I look forward to hearing from you.

And by the way… I never went to the bathroom during any of your drum solos. You’re very good and you make an otherwise masturbatory exercise very entertaining.

--And for those of you new to this blog… The title to each blog entry is the musical choice for my day. Here is a video from that album. Enjoy this hard rock video without lingerie.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Paul McCartney 'Unplugged: The Official Bootleg'

I’m sure you’ve heard… One of my favorite comedians died within the last 24 hours… George Carlin.

I first remember hearing George Carlin at Casa de Cothren. The older kids had an LP playing in the living room when I took a break from The Merv Griffin Show. So I’m ball parking the year to be around 1973 or 1974.

I heard George talking about pigeons and how living in the city caused their song to get stuck in their throats. Pigeons didn’t bother flying out of your way like other birds… Instead they would walk out of your way and give you a dirty look.

Carlin’s take on pigeons caused my 7 or 8 year old mind to look at things a little differently while laughing my butt off.

But I didn’t know that I was listening to George Carlin’s ‘Class Clown’ LP until my cousin Dan Lively played it for me a few years later. We listened to that album over and over. I digested every part of it.

Carlin’s thoughts on Limbo and Purgatory… How Johnny Pigman could belch at will… How Muhammad Ali didn’t want to kill people (Vietnam War), he only wanted to beat them up.

I even took the time and effort to belch the alphabet like Johnny Pigman.

Hey… That was high comedy for a 10 year old.

I remember fondly when I heard Carlin talk about the motives of class clowns. The types of guys that strived for someone to shoot milk from their noses during a good laugh. Because during the first time hearing that, I was drinking some 7-Up. I laughed at that so hard that I had soft drink spewing from my nose while Dan was on the floor cackling like a madman.

I started collecting his albums. I don’t have them all, but I have practically worn out my vinyl copies of ‘FM & AM’, ‘Place For My Stuff’, ‘On The Road’, ‘Class Clown’, ‘Toledo Box Window’, ‘Playin’ With Your Head’, ‘An Evening With Wally Lando’, ‘Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics’ (that one is on CD and not worn out), and ‘Occupation: Foole!’.

Dan and I would listen to Carlin albums while watching television shows with the sound turned down. It was high comedy to see folks on television mouth the words coming from those albums.

I remember Carlin talking about substituting the word “kill” with the “F” word while watching the old NBC show Flamingo Road. He talked about the old western cliché as some guy on the television show mouthed to another… “Sheriff. We’re gonna F you. And we’re gonna F you slow.”

At that exact moment, the guy looked to the other while lifting an eyebrow just as if that was actually said to him.

That still causes me to smile whenever I think about it.

I went to see George Carlin every chance I got when he came to Greensboro. The cool thing… He would come out with note cards, a stop watch, and a glass of water. Carlin was testing out new material on his Greensboro audience and timing it. He was readying the show for his HBO specials.

And in a sense, that made me feel special when I saw the show a few months later. Some things were changed. Some things were omitted. It was cool to actually see a work in progress before it was submitted for the rest of the World.

I loved how he looked at words and how people used them. Like for instance… Pre-boarding at the airport. How can you get on an airplane before you get on?

I got calls and text messages all through the day from my friends sending their condolences. They knew that I lost an important person in my life even if he was someone that I never got to meet.

Carlin was controversial, cutting edge, and not for everyone.

Maybe that last bit was the part I liked most.

George Carlin was one of few that forever warped my sense of humor. He may be gone, but I still have the smiles and laughs right at my fingertips.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

KISS 'Hotter Than Hell'

I was shown something that I could not believe the other day.

I went into the office of our Creative Services Department at Dick Broadcasting. I wanted to talk about something with Joe Davis and that’s when he showed me something that blew my tiny mind out of my left ear hole.

He was showing me something on Google Maps. A little thing called “Street View”.

He placed the little walking man icon on the corner of Arlington and E. Lewis Streets and then there it was… A view of our parking lot and building! It was a photo that could be rotated 360 degrees!

There was the building across the street. There was the little park-like vacant lot. You can click on the arrows that appear on the street and see the rest of the block. It was crazy, man.

If you haven’t seen this yet, check it out. Click on the “Street View” and all the mapped streets that are highlighted in blue, you can take a virtual tour of that road.

I was intrigued. The technology excited me. That is until… I looked up my own address. Sure enough, my street is highlight in blue and you can visually check out where I live.

That’s when I felt violated and disturbed about it. I realize that I can’t stop them because it’s a public street, but it is a little unsettling.

If you’d like to see the building that house our radio stations, look up 192 E. Lewis Street in Greensboro. And look up your address to find out if your place is visually represented. I guarantee that it will creep you out a little.

Here’s a little sight that Joe Davis also showed me. It’s a sight of unusual photos captured by this visual street mapping technology.

--I’m excited about tomorrow’s NASCAR race from Sonoma, California. I’ve never been a big fan of the two road course races on the Sprint Cup tour, but they are the best chances for my man Robby Gordon to score a victory. He’s qualified 8th for tomorrow’s race and I’m downright giddy about it.

Here’s something that I found on The Onion and I think it’s downright hilarious!

Study: Most Children Strongly Opposed To Children�s Healthcare

--Here’s the Unplugged version of “Goin’ Blind” from today’s musical choice. My favorite cut off the album is “All The Way”, but there’s nothing out there of great quality to share with you.

I have fond memories of listening to that song on an 8-Track tape (loudly I might add) while my cousin Dan Lively drives us around the West Virginia countryside. Good times!

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Ramones 'Brain Drain'

I gave the motorcycle / scooter debate some serious thinking over the weekend. The scooter came out on top because of the built-in storage capabilities. I can totally see the money saved on a motorcycle being turned right around and spent on saddlebags or some kind of storage.

Plus, I’m a big fan of getting on a bike, hitting the ignition, and getting gone. I LOVE changing gears in cars, but it’s a different animal on a two-wheeled vehicle.

I’m searching again today. If I find what I’m looking for, I’m buying that mofo ASAP. I’m tired of spending sixty bucks a week to get around in my truck… Yeah, Roxy likes to drink some gas. She’s a V6 and she drinks like a roomful of Alcoholic Anonymous candidates.

--Here’s a reason why it’s good that I’m not a parent:

My niece Chloe was sporting a new temporary tattoo the other day. It was some kind of cartoon crab. I said to her, “It looks like you have crabs. Be sure to tell folks that you have crabs and then show it to them.”

Kevin, my brother-in-law, wasn’t amused and I’m sure my uptight sister Pam clenched her ass tight enough to pinch off a steel girder.

Kids are fun.


I found I Am Legend with the Fresh Prince of Bel Air more enjoyable than I thought I would. It was good, but it wasn’t great. 3 out of 5 stars.

I hated Southland Tales. That film was all over the place and too damn weird for its own good. Since it made it past my 20 minute mark, I gave it 2 out of 5 stars.

I was very surprised with Cry Wolf. You think the film is nothing more than a slasher flick, but it’s not. Cry Wolf is smartly done and fun despite its predictability. I gave it 4 out of 5 stars.

I was disappointed with John Waters’ Cecil B. Demented where guerilla filmmakers are out to save the art of film work. They kidnap a movie star and make her work in their brutal reality type of film. Cecil B. Demented felt like a glorified sketch comedy that’s allowed to run over 10 minutes. But it had it moments… I gave it 3 out of 5 stars.

I’m all over The Untouchables TV series!

But I’m having problems separating Robert Stack’s portrayal of Eliot Ness from Captain Rex Kramer in Airplane!. I just can’t take him seriously sometimes because of Rex Kramer.

Enjoy this "best of" clip from Airplane!.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Mother Love Bone 'Apple'

Another busy week bites the dust. And since I have the weekend off, that means my bloodstream will be polluted with the Kentucky goodness from the Beam family.

I passed the written exam and received my motorcycle learner’s permit last Tuesday. The DMV office was FILLED with folks which was a little unusual for that particular branch.

Normally, I would have gotten out of there faster than James Brady at a turkey shoot. But I figured that waiting around would calm my nerves a little, so I had a seat.

Two things…

I’m not saying that I’m the prettiest joker on the planet, but that place was loaded up with some unattractive folks. It kind of made me feel prettier. I felt like the King of the Butter Ball. If a very attractive man or woman walked into that place, we would've formed a circle around them and start to worship them like gods. I’m just saying that if you ever experience any types of body/looks issues, just make a quick stop at the DMV to gain a little perspective. You’ll leave feeling like David or Victoria Beckham.

One guy walked in and it was all I could do to keep from busting out laughing. He was a black man at least in his early 60’s wearing hip hop style clothing. His hat was crooked and the bill flat. A “dookey rope” type of necklace with an Ankh attached adorned his chest. His pants were trying not to fall to his ankles, clinging desperately to the bottom of his ass. He looked like an old man parodying his grandkids. It was hilarious!

--After the Murphy in the Morning broadcast from Wet n’ Wild Emerald Pointe last Friday morning, I dropped by a client’s business to check out the scooters they had in their inventory.

They didn’t have any that I was interested in and they wouldn’t have them back in stock until March.


Now I’m thinking about going ahead and getting a full-blown motorcycle. But I’m going to check out some Suzuki and Yamaha scooters before I make a decision. It all comes down to money. I can save about 2 grand by getting an introductory type of motorcycle.

But I’m a little concerned about the differences in the area of maintenance. I understand that scooters are a little easier to take care of than their bigger counterparts. Chances aren’t good, but I could actually learn something mechanical if I were to get a motorcycle.

I may splurge a little and take a motorcycle rider’s course. All that crazy gear changing with my left foot, clutching with my left hand, braking and throttling with the right, and dogging traffic seems too overwhelming for my slightly uncoordinated ass. Dammit! I’m not Neil Peart!

Oh well… I’ll keep you posted. But if you feel like it, throw your two cents in and leave a comment. I may be swayed by public opinion.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Lonnie Mack 'LIVE! - Attack Of The Killer V'

I had an exaggerated brush with death today.

I went down to “the lab” so I could place my KISS ‘Alive 1975 - 2000’ back into the CD collection. Because of the plastic shield that protects the package from wear and tear, I couldn’t get that mofo back into its slot. I tried every trick that wouldn’t cause an avalanche of compact discs to fall or loud cursing from me.

I struggled and even took a step for leverage. All to no avail.

So I just left its ass hanging in the wind with a good portion safe and snug.

I didn’t realize I had caught a cord until after I had taken a step. With one cheetah like move, I had pulled the paper shredder from the top of the plastic pail. The crazy thing hit me in the leg.

If that paper shredder had been running… I could have lost my leg or my life.

--My father is a very handy man. And somehow… The “handy” gene wasn’t passed onto me. I cannot do anything remotely handy like… Fixing a wooden drawer. He can.

I know for a fact that he has collected at least a million screws because handy men recycle everything.

“Dad?” I asked as I extended my hand to show him what I needed. “Where can I get a screw like this?”

He quickly looked at my palm just before saying, “Hanoi.”

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

KISS 'Alive 1975 - 2000'

Hillary Clinton has finally thrown in the towel and given up on her bid for the Democratic Presidential nomination. It appears that Obama will be the ballots this fall against McCain and my personal favorite, Bob Barr.

I still can’t get used to his name… Barack Obama. It sounds like the kind of name that belongs to a professional wrestling heel (villain). The kind of heel that would pull unsanctioned foreign objects from his baggy genie pants in order to open up a gash on his opponents forehead. I don’t know why.

I have a feeling that things will go wild over the next 5 months before it’s over and done… But I want to talk about something a little more pressing…

The Get Smart movie.

Will I go see it?



Because I’m a big fan of the Get Smart series with Don Adams. Except for the season when Agent 99 and Maxwell Smart got married… That’s when the show jumped the shark. The reunion movie Get Smart, Again was horrible (as are most reunion movies). I don’t even want to talk about the “nude bomb” flick.

I touched on “reunion/recap” flicks last week with Sex And The City: The Movie and listed a mess of flicks where the formula just doesn’t work for me. Well the same goes for theatrical remakes of classic series… The Addams Family bit the big one… The Flintstones (the TV show wasn’t that good to begin with)… McHale’s Navy sank like a rock… and Twin Peaks sucked. One of my favorite shows was turned into a HORRENDOUS film… The Beverly Hillbillies.

In my opinion, the only small screen to big screen adaptation that’s worth many viewings is The Brady Bunch Movie. The writers and director (Hill Streets Blues’ Betty Thomas) don’t pretend that the show was more than it was. As a matter of fact, they wallow in the silliness that was The Brady Bunch.

But who knows?

Maybe the Get Smart movie will do the same. Revel in the same silliness that Get Smart did during the sixties on television.

In case you didn’t know… The show was created by Mel Brooks and Buck Henry. That alone should tell you just how funny Get Smart was.

I just don’t have a good feeling about this new movie version with Steve Carell. I’m more afraid of it being “suck ass” than I am about a Democrat getting into the White House.

I have my priorities.

--Speaking of movies… Who wants to join me for the Get Smart movie?

Shoot me an email… or

Enjoy this stone cold jam from KISS...

Sunday, June 08, 2008

Iron Maiden 'Piece Of Mind'

How about today’s musical selection?

My stupid system of selecting daily musical choices really paid off today. Lady Luck surely picked out a selection worthy of rediscovery. I had no idea just how good this Iron Maiden’s ‘Piece Of Mind’ is. I’ve always liked it, but I never really listened to it.

I will always maintain that ‘Killers’ is the true classic Iron Maiden release.

There’s some great jams on ‘Piece Of Mind’… “Where Eagles Dare” (the opening track), “Flight Of Icarus” (the closet thing resembling a single), “Revelations”, and “The Trooper”.

Iron Maiden are basically a kick ass southern rock band. They can flat out work you like rough sex and seduce you further with their dual guitar pyrotechnics. There’s a musical jam-gasm in every one of the songs that I listed.

But lets not forget that Iron Maiden also have a fine ear for melody… A fact that can easily be overlooked and dismissed because of their dark album covers. Iron Maiden are great songwriters. Songwriters that steer away from “cock” rocking anthems about sexual conquests. Instead, they look to classic literature, religion, mythologies, and world history for inspiration.

I remember walking the hallways of Northwest Guilford High School in Iron Maiden t-shirts. I remember some of the looks that I got from folks that were buying up Duran Duran at the time.

And I must admit that I didn’t see the genius of ‘Rio’ until I was much older. But you’ll never be able to convince me about the importance of Kajagogo.

Anyways… Iron Maiden apparel will usually label you as a freakish blemish on the face of society. Someone that may torture puppies and worship the devil. Someone that would sooner drink a bottle of liquor in church than help an old woman across the street.

Hey… Maybe I’m halfway there already?

--I had a great time reconnecting with old friends last night at Greene Street in down town Greensboro. It was great to see all the friends that gathered for the Busted Uncle and Spank show. Busted Uncle and Spank are comprised with some of Winston-Salem’s best hard rock stalwarts.

And it was kind of cool to chat it up with some folks that I didn’t expect or want to see. It was good to have a front seat on the “time heals all wounds” express and see its magic up close and personal.

--Here's a little Iron Maiden for ya to enjoy:

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Intercooler 'Old School Is The New School'

I hear that the weather today was pretty hot… I don’t know the entire truth about today’s sweltering heat because I haven’t really ventured outside too many times. I went out to the mailbox twice and made a trip down to “the lab”… That’s where I keep the bulk of my compacts disc… I managed not to break a sweat today.

As a matter of fact… I decided to take “J’s” advice and follow the Gilmore Girls influence.

I’m enjoying a huge tumbler full of iced coffee right now!

Don’t you love my Budweiser tumbler?

That joker has been on this planet longer than any of my nieces or nephews. I got it for Christmas one year and it has managed to stick around longer than my camouflage tumbler. I have no idea where that mofo is… Maybe in my storage building.

I’m not sure I completely like the idea of drinking coffee when it’s hot. It seems wrong… Like standing in line to see a Disney film. Damn the influence of the Gilmore Girls!

--I’m getting over my motorcycle learner’s permit failure. After all, I’m very consistent when it comes to learner’s permits. When I was 15, I failed the exam for a learner’s permit.

Like this past week… I studied. Yes, I studied the handbook and I aced all the sample questions.

I don’t know if I just got whacky nervous or what… Oh well, I’ll give it another shot this week.

I was just hoping to be tooling around my neighborhood on my new scooter this weekend. I wanted to get real familiar with it before hitting the mean streets of Greensboro. I even had the fantasy of jumping a couple of school buses at the county fairgrounds.

--I watched No Country For Old Men this morning and I LOVED it!

I should’ve went to the theaters to see that one… Oh well. The damn flick was great! I think I may have liked it more than Blood Simple.

I didn’t really understand the ending… And strangely, that made me like it even more!

--Now that I’ve finished season 2 of Gilmore Girls, I’m ready to jump onto season 1 of The Untouchables.

Since I was a kid, I have been intrigued with this show from the late 50’s and early 60’s. And I have NEVER seen a single episode of this show. As far as I know, The Untouchables never ran in syndication since my early fascination began. At least, not in syndication where I could watch it.

How did I find out about this television show?

Green Acres.

Lisa Douglas (Eva Gabor) was always talking about Frank Nitty on Green Acres. She and Eb Dawson would chat and chat about the show until Oliver Douglas “blew his top”. I had no idea there was a television show called The Untouchables before they made it into a movie. I thought it was just something made up or an inside joke with the Green Acres scriptwriters.

So imagine my surprise when I found out Frank Nitty was a real person! And the show mentioned on Green Acres really existed!

But then again, the character of Fred Ziffle was always talking about watching real television shows… Like The Beverly Hillbillies and Gomer Pyle.

I can’t wait to get started.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

The Hollies '30th Anniversary Collection: 1963 - 1993'

I feel like a moron right now.

I’m not happy with myself.

I didn’t do anything stupid… Like telling a Dale Earnhardt Jr. fan that his chances of winning a race this year really sucks, because I’m still sporting pearly whites.

I failed the written test when I applied for a motorcycle learner’s permit earlier today.

I didn’t just past the visual exam (ahem)… I ACED that motherfrakker! Oh yeah! I know my signs, baby!

The written part was horrendous. They kept asking questions about going through intersections as if motorcycles are completely different types of vehicles. What the hell, man?

Those damn questions about swerving really threw me off too... No pun intended.

When I got to one particular question, I must have read that joker over and over again for at least two minutes. I gave it a pass until I cycled through all the remaining questions. When it came around again, I read it repeatedly with the answers over and over for another three minutes.

I could NOT miss another question because I would fail the test.

So I answered with something that sounded logical because I didn’t really know what the question was asking.

There was a diagram.

There was a car with a blinking light pictured… Someone was going to take a left across my lane of traffic… Should I drink a beer? Should I maintain speed and cross through the intersection? Should I hoot at the sweet mama in her yard to right while she bends over to hang up laundry? Or should I shoot or stab my supplier and take over?

I was at a total loss.

I chose an answer and it wasn’t the right one. I was hurt. I felt ashamed.

Like the great philosopher Big Daddy Kane once said… “Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy”.

I was called over to an examiner’s desk. She stretched her hand out and extended a smile to me.

“I failed," I said. "There’s nothing for me to hand you but this paperclip.”

“Oh, that’s all right honey,” she said with southern accent. “You can come back and take it again tomorrow.”

So I tried bribing a governmental official by offering her ten bucks to take it again in an hour.

Let me tell ya, folks… Ten bucks don’t get you squat these days.

I know complete morons who are motorcycle certified. Morons that would literally sex up a sign post after a good night of drinking. Morons that when threatened with death would surely die because they can’t put together a sentence without a double negative…

They’re frakkin’ motorcycle certified!

I have a tendency to overanalyze simple things. I overanalyze things to the point where someone wants to smack the crap out of me.

I’ll just try again next week.

--If you haven’t noticed… I’ve been watching a lot of Gilmore Girls lately. I love it! It’s great! It’s funny and insightful. If you’re a pop culture junkie… You should be watching this gem of a show!

But there are side effects.

I’m drinking coffee. I’m drinking coffee like BOTH girls Gilmore.


I’m drinking coffee on days where small longhaired dogs could move too fast and burst into flames.

I’m drinking coffee!

I’m totally going against my rule of not drinking coffee when the high temperature for the day is 50 degrees or above.

I’m going crazy, that’s all it is to it.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

John Hiatt 'Stolen Moments'

I’ve been wearing these low cut New Balance running shoes for about a month now. The first pair of low cuts (outside of dress shoes) that I’ve owned since I was a kid. Back to a time when young boys fawned over pictures of Cheryl Ladd, or in my case, Jan Smithers.

The last time that I wore low cut athletic shoes (or called around here: “tinny shoes”), Reagan was President and like him… I cannot recall the reason I gave them up for good.

I remember being told by the soccer loving hooligans that high top shoes would weaken my ankles. Okaaaaayyyy. I just asked them why they weren’t rioting in a stadium somewhere?

I kept on wearing high top shoes. I wore high tops during summers where the heat killed people. I was hardcore. I rarely went barefoot and wouldn’t be caught dead in sandals or flip-flops. And yet, I never really had an odor problem with my shoes.

So the other day… I’m putting on my shoes. And I’m wearing my little ankle socks…

Yes, I’m aware that sounds dainty.

I tied my shoes and I felt scratchy things rubbing my ankles. I felt debris up around my toe areas. I took off my shoes and gave them a shake. But the problem wasn't solved when I put them back on. I couldn’t understand why on Lorne Greene’s dear Earth it kept happening?

Then I realized that low cut shoes were sucking in grass and other things found outdoors. I guess that I’m just a sloppy walker. I can’t walk across a yard without getting a nickel bag of mulch into my low cut shoes.

I dig feeling a little cooler in my low cut shoes during these hot days of Global Warming and the Jonas Brothers. I’m guessing that I can’t have a little pleasure without a little pain. It’s just something that comes with the running shoe territory.

I am truly loving the ankle socks. Now if only the rest of my legs would catch up with the base tan that’s already built in. Then it wouldn’t look as if I’m wearing off-white stockings pulled up past my ankles.

I’m also having issues with my new phone. Most importantly, the ring tones.

When I changed phones, I lost a lounge versions of Spinal Tap’s “Big Bottom” and Judas Priest’s “Turbo Lover”. I lost Cheap Trick’s “Hello There”. I lost a Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons liner where they personally announced me by name.

Sure… The photos changed over to my new phone AFTER I took the time and expense to email them to myself so I could download them to my computer. But they couldn’t do that with the sounds I collected or paid for?

I guess that frakkin’ Lars Ulrich is to blame.

And I can’t believe that today’s fine, fine selection is out of print. John Hiatt is a greatly underappreciated songwriter.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Sammy Hagar 'The Best Of Sammy Hagar'

At first, I couldn’t care less if Hollywood writers went on strike. I agreed with the writers “give us our pennies” kind of demands against the “wiping our asses with Benjamins derived from your work” types of executives. I just didn’t care how long it took to resolve the situation. I had Netflix and by-Harriett, I could survive a strike. I could live without new shows and movies. There were tons of things already out there that I could watch until those jokers came to a resolution.

Ladies and gentleman… I was a fool to believe that it wouldn’t affect me.

To give you and idea about how I missed things over this past television season… I couldn’t tell you one person’s name from American Idol. Not that I’m a viewer (I can’t stand the show)… It’s just that I’ve been totally out of touch.

If you put a running chainsaw up to my crotch and demand that I name a contestant from the 2008 season of American Idol or else… You’d get a blood spattered shirt and chewed up man-meat all over your shoes.

I totally had no idea when Lost returned with new episodes. I had heard that it was returning, but never figured that it would show up on a different night.

I tried to watch an episode after I had already missed two and it just didn’t work. I bailed on my beloved Lost.

Now I’m just going to wait until the current season (is it over?) comes out on DVD.

I have even been missing out on the new season of Battlestar Galactica. But I’m getting caught up by watching the previously aired shows on the Sci-Fi website.

And sadly… With so much time between seasons, I’ve gotten a little lost in the big soupy BSG mythos. I’ve forgotten things. I can’t remember why certain characters do the things they do. I guess I should have watched the little “here’s what’s happening” show to get reacquainted with its style.

I missed a few episodes of Reaper, Medium, and Supernatural… But those weren’t a big deal. Sure, there was a story arch with each of those, but there was nothing going on that I couldn’t catch up with. It was easy to fill in the holes.

Oh well.

--Today’s musical selection is a Sammy Hagar collection of his Capitol Records stuff from the 70’s. All I can say is this… A damn fine reason to acquire a little tinnitus.

A great (and out of print) CD to blast while doing a little aggressive driving. Suggested cuts for those of you willing to shell out a little dinero for downloads…

“I’ve Done Everything For You” (he wrote it, not Rick Springfield)
“Cruising’ & Boozin’”
“Trans Am (Highway Wonderland)”
“Bad Motor Scooter”

Monday, June 02, 2008

Peter Gabriel 'So'

If I were ever concerned about my estrogen levels skyrocketing and causing my breasts to grow… This weekend should have put the kibosh on those notions. Not only did I watch some more of Gilmore Girls (season two), but I ventured off to the Carmike Cinema to see Sex And The City: The Movie with my friend (and frequent commenter) Christine. No noticeable breast increase, no desire to buy expensive and frivolous shoes, or a need for a Brazilian. The male parts still work and no additional accessories popped out over the weekend.

The only thing I felt during Sex And The City: The Movie was a desire to get out of the theater.

I didn’t like the film. I felt that it was contrived and unfunny for the most part. Seeing a dog humping pillows and stuff toys may be “hilarious” the first time… But when you do it three times… That’s just going to the well too many times.

Did the folks in the theater laugh every time?

Yes they did. Why? I don’t know. I guess that watching the juvenile Jackass movies may have desensitized my funny bone.

Sex And The City: The Movie quickly stalled for me. I was looking at my watch after 45 minutes. That proved two things for me… The show worked better as a show running just about 30 minutes and television shows should never go back.

How many great reunion movies or shows exist out there?

The majority of them suck… The Beverly Hillbillies, The Wild, Wild West, Leave It To Beaver, Green Acres, 90210 (never saw it, I’m just being a judgmental prick), and the worst of the bunch… The Andy Griffith Show reunion movie, Return To Mayberry.

And The Brady Bunch kept trying and trying and got nothing but SUCKcess… The Brady Bunch Variety HourThe Brady Girls Get Married which led to the horrible show The Brady Brides… That horrible series where Mike Brady was running for Senate… The Bradys gave ‘em hell, but it all sucked.

Christine didn’t agree with me. She loved the movie. She said that I didn’t like Sex And The City: The Movie because I was a guy and that I had nothing vested in it. Christine played “the ovary card”.

I didn’t like it because it was boring and unfunny. It’s as simple as that.

Just a side note here… There’s a scene with a guy showering in front of Samantha… It’s nice to see the ladies getting some male nudity for a change. Be prepared ladies… This guy’s unit is as large as a Hyundai on the big screen. You could choke on your popcorn or Sno-Caps.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Peter Frampton 'Shine On: A Collection"

Yes. I am aware that I haven’t updated for almost a week. When I haven’t been busy (working with 2GNC and our sister station), I’ve been hiding out like Bin Laden. I haven’t been answering my phone like I should and I’ve lost touch with friends.

I’m a weird one when I get busy… I will hole up somewhere and stay out of sight. And I’ll relax and decompress in front of the television. Not the most constructive thing, but it drowns out the voices in my head that yell at me to kill, kill, kill.

My sleep schedule has been drastically altered over the last two weeks. I haven’t been getting enough sleep and when I’ve had the opportunity to sleep… I’ve been keeping old man hours… Early to bed and early to rise. I’ve got so many early worms that I could feed a fish farm for a week.

--Over the last week, I purchased some plastic storage tubs to put my winter clothes in. Sweaters, long sleeve t-shirts, sweats, and the like.

I couldn’t believe what I saw! It seems that there are people out there in our world that still don’t understand how to properly store children.

Sure, plastic tubs seem like a cheap alternative… But spending the extra money on dog cages will let the kids breathe and keep Brother Bacon off your back.

--The immediate family went to Tina (my sister) and Richard’s (brother-in-law) house for a little outside dining experience. Somehow, the subject of television shows came up and Tina was practically knocked over to hear that I enjoy Gilmore Girls.

I’m really starting to love this show!

I’m in the second season (thank you, Netflix) and I’m definitely enjoying it. Gilmore Girls has that same type of quirkiness that I liked about Northern Exposure. It’s filled with small town non-conformists and pop culture references.

For example… When Luke’s trouble-making nephew comes to town, a meeting is called to order. Luke defends his nephew while the towns folk chime in with unsubstantiated claims… “He hooted my dance class… He took my garden hose… He stole my garden gnome…” and Lorelai chimes in with “I’ve heard that he controls the weather and wrote the screenplay to Glitter!”

There’s even been a reference to the horrible 1970’s Saturday morning television show Dyna Woman and Electra Girl.

Gilmore Girls has everything!

Should I become concerned about my estrogen levels? Will Gilmore Girls make my breasts grow?

So what! It’s a damn fine show. If my breasts grow then I’ll just have something else to play with.

--I got my stimulus check last week and I purchased a few accessories for my Zune MP3 player. I got an AC adapter that uses the USB cable and a car adapter/charger.

The AC adapter is basically a piece of plastic with two prongs that you plug into an outlet. The damn thing costs $30 bucks retail!

Once I cut it loose from its plastic Fort Knox like package, I was amazed by its simplicity and lack of weight. I’m sure that plastic little joker costs about a $1 to produce and was put together by a couple of Chinese kids that were paid 25 cents an hour. An outrage!

The car adapter has taken a ride yet… I’m looking for the right road trip.

--My boss Doug McKnight sent out a YouTube link for this creative and incredible waste of time… Someone spent a lot of time editing KISS concert footage to match up to a Rick Astley hit. Enjoy.