Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Def Leppard 'High n' Dry'

I’ve been thinking about trying standup comedy again. Doing standup was a dream of mine back some time ago. I tried it once at an open mic night and quickly went down in flames. I couldn’t understand how it happened. I had studied under some of the masters… Comedy masters like George Carlin, Bill Hicks, Bill Cosby, and Cher. Standing on a stage with only the sounds of clinking glass and cigarettes being lit can be a very lonely place. It means that you’re not standing in front of your target audience.

But I gave it a shot. And for some strange reason, I’m feeling the desire to pull that trigger again.

I came up with the ice breaker and that seems to make people laugh. The rest of what I’ve got so far is a little out there. That shouldn’t surprise most of you. I’m always springing the “Operation: Little Dog Urination” on people and that brings a laugh. Or at the very least, a strange look accompanied with a hesitate smile… So I know that’s funny.

Urination stories are always funny because it’s something that we all know about. If you’re breathing with lungs, there’s a good chance that you urinate often. It’s pretty much a universal subject with creatures that understand abstract thoughts. And that’s where the comedy cranks up.

For example… My friend Jon went to a family reunion in the great state of obesity, West Virginia. And I’m not saying that as a put down because I was born in that great state and do what I can to represent, know what I’m saying?

So all jokes aside… The host family had a huge spread for everyone to enjoy. The kids could run free and loose. The adults could hang under trees and around the grill. From what I remember Jon telling me, it was pretty much a hillbilly orgy of gelatin, watermelons, and fatty foods.

The host family had a large, fully enclosed pen on the property. That’s where they kept the pet crow. I don’t remember him saying whether or not it was some sort of rescue deal where they kept the crow because of an injury. Jon found it highly unusual.

When the family gathered around the tables to put on their feedbags, there was a terrible squawking coming from the crow’s pen. All heads turned to see some 6 year-old boy chasing the crow around inside the pen while urinating. Jon said that the crow was flapping its wings and making as much racket as it could. The droplets of urine being flapped off were turned a bright golden color as the sunlight lit them up. Some members of the family found it rather amusing… Especially Jon who couldn’t stop laughing.

Of course, the immediate family members of that 6 year-old were completely mortified.

So… Urination is always funny. It always has been. Why do you think there are so many euphemisms about it?

Draining the lizard
Walking the dog
Going to see a man about a horse
Number one
Feeding the goldfish
Take a leak
Check the creek temperature
Make water
Drain the main vein
Point Percy to the porcelain
Siphon the python
See someone about the plumbing
Shake hands with the unemployed

That last one is a new one for me and I like it. If you’ve got any more to add… Why go right ahead!

If I do get a stage show worked up, I’ll be sure to tell you the where and when.


  1. Anonymous3:09 PM

    Check the creek's temperature? Sounds like wishful thinking to me!

    How about, "go potty" or "go tinkle" or via my friend Jen..."release some valve pressure"