Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Flipp 'Blow It Out Your Ass'

Chigger and I were lying in bed the other night talking and decompressing from our glorious weekend of activities that covered 3 states and furniture moving. It was the usual casual chit-chat until she said, “So-and-so invited me to go to the Zumba class with them. And it’s only four dollars per session.”

“Hold it,” I said. “You’re not joining a cult.”

“Honey, it’s not a cult.” She said.

“The hell it’s not! So-and-so is trying to convert you. You must resist her and her influence. You’ll start practicing those evil dance rituals and then it won’t be long before you’re trying to drag me and kids into it.”

Haven’t you ever noticed how women post things on facebook about Zumba?

They’ll post things like “Headed to Zumba class at Mark St. John’s Holy Trinity of Church. Come on out and get healthy. It’s only five bucks.”

They’re always pontificating on the benefits and the activities concerning Zumba. They’re always trying to recruit friends to join their unholy fellowship of dance moves and sweat.

When you meet someone that practices the dark arts of Zumba, it’s all they talk about. They cannot go 30 minutes without talking about Zumba.

“Before Zumba, I was always tired.”

“Zumba helped me lose 20 pounds.”

“Zumba loves you.”

They just won’t shut up about it.

Their services have moved from the traditional types of gyms and community centers into churches, bars, and other event spaces. And it won’t be long before they’re going door to door passing out literature trying to convert the masses.

Pretty soon we’ll be seeing women in yoga pants, running shoes, and brightly colored oversized t-shirts passing out Zumba literature at the airports.

“Excuse me, sir. Take this pamphlet to learn about our savior Zumba. Before Zumba, I was a go-nowhere kinda fat girl without direction in life. Zumba opened my eyes to a world of cha-chas and fox-trots. Just look at these thighs! No giggling! Won’t you join us?”

Unfortunately, Zumba gives these followers more energy and vitality. It’s not like you can runaway from them. And as much as you’d like to, you can’t hit them.

I haven’t heard of about any Zumba communes popping up, but I know they’re coming. I can see them out in the fields now tilling the Earth and reaping the crops in a 4/4 rhythm and waving down passer-bys to come into the fold.

It won’t be long before we hear about mass Zumba weddings taking place at stadiums. Or we’ll hear about mass Zumba dances that go on for days until the hearts of followers explode and they become one with dance.

Resist the Zumba Sirens call, brothers and sisters! Zumba is the gateway to the Labamda and as we all learned in the 1980’s… That’s the forbidden dance.

No comments:

Post a Comment