Thursday, January 16, 2014

Husker Du 'Warehouse: Songs And Stories'

Here’s a subject that just doesn’t get enough attention… Passing gas in social situations. There’s just no “how to” book for that sort of thing. Did Ann Landers ever devote a chapter to the subject somewhere?

We were invited to a New Year’s Eve party at a friend’s house at Smith Mountain Lake in Virginia. For those that do not know, it’s kinda like a resort area where the rich folks frolic on the lake. And Smith Mountain Lake was a shooting location for the Bill Murray and Richard Dreyfuss film ‘What About Bob?’. It’s a beautiful area and I can easily find relaxation there when our friends invite us for a short stay.

But let’s get back to the subject of passing gas in social situations…

I had been hanging around their house during the day on December 31st. I was just chilling and convalescing from Christmas with a beer here and there. I wasn’t drinking to get drunk. I was just drinking beer because I enjoy it. I was getting a taste of different brews from Starr Hill, Legend Brewing, and a new brewery that opened near Smith Mountain Lake called Sunken City Brewing.

I like to try the local beers when I’m traveling.

For those that do not know, beer is carbonated. That air enters the body by mouth and exits from whence it came or it takes the low road. If… You know what I mean.

And since I’m not out for the Olympic Burp Team like one of the other party attendees, my carbonation tends to take the low road out of my system. But that can lead to problems.

If you don’t get it out you start to feel all bloated and then there’s some pain involved when you’re not able to release those gases. So you have to step outside on the sly to release the them into the atmosphere. You know, since I’m not 12 anymore I don’t make proclamations or just cut loose with a butt trumpet. I don’t typically let any gases fly all willy-nilly. I save those moments of intimacy for those I love.

The party started in first gear around seven and the first carbonated guest I was hosting decided that it was a good time to knock on the back door. So I stepped outside to let the beer bubbles out only to be greeted by complete strangers as they were getting out of their car. My body and mind were ready for the releasing of the bad-breath hound, but I had to tie that joker up. And the ironic part is that they were bringing in a cheese platter when I was stepping out to cut some.

I grabbed another beer from the ice bucket outside and went back in for some of that cheese along with meatballs and Little Smokies. The release was going to have to wait.

About 20 minutes later, pressure was building to the point where I was afraid to bend over. If a woman were to drop something I would have to be a gentleman and retrieve it for her. But she’d get the added excitement of me creating more living space by knocking down a wall with a single blast of bowel bloat.

So once again I stepped outside, took a quick look around for arrivals, and just when the bubble was about to crown someone came outside for a smoke.

Good God! It was getting ridiculous!

My dark passenger, as Dexter Morgan would say, was just going to have to wait it out while I poured some more passengers down my gullet. More people started to step outside so I thought to myself… Maybe I could go upstairs to the bathroom to rid myself of the beer burden.

Well, that didn’t work because a couple was upstairs assembling a dog cage for the pet they brought along. They were doing this in the room neighboring the bathroom. I simply couldn’t allow myself to break hurricane force winds when folks are within hearing range.

So again, I was going to have to wait a little bit longer.

When I came down the stairs, I decided to step out the front door to see if that coast was clear. I opened the door and whaddya know… There were people standing around on the front porch puffing away on cigarettes.

I sat on the couch with Matthew and watched him play some Xbox game. The pain was getting a little unbearable so I went back downstairs into the basement to “grab a beer”. I stepped outside and there was no one. No one! I walked out of the light to make sure no one was lurking around or getting out of their car. No One!

I let it loose like a wild rhino that had been tranquilized and tagged. BrrrrrrrrROOOOOmmmmmmm!

Yeah, it was like an elongated sonic boom! And there was immediate relief!

I turned around to find two people that entered the backyard by way of the hot tub area.

What the HELL?!

If they heard anything they weren’t letting on, but I was SO embarrassed.

My new year got off to a GREAT start!

1 comment:

  1. Funny, funny story!! Thanks for sharing!
    You have WAY more self-control than I do. I can NOT hold one in! No how, no way. I don't even try.
    It's a natural bodily function, everybody does it. (Whoever says they don't, are lying....)
    I admire you tremendously, Eugene.