Wheeler's Dog

Slim Whitman 'Vintage Collections Series'

2012-02-12T14:35:00.003-05:00

Yes, I know it’s been a very long time since I updated this here little blog. I've tried writing a couple of updates over the year and so many months, but I just didn’t feel “into” it. I wouldn’t say that I got burned out as much as I just ran out of things to write about. It takes a certain level of inspiration that makes me put the digits to the keyboard. During that time off, I ventured out on a sabbatical that took me out of my comfort zone. I explored the worlds of macramé and collecting Beanie Babies. I have returned. With your help, we’ll see how this foray back into the trenches goes…

When was the last time you went to the liquor store not knowing exactly what you wanted and browsed around? Have you noticed the explosion of flavored vodkas on the shelves?

Visit any given liquor store wherever you are and you’ll discover more than 50 different flavors. I’m not talking brands, I’m talking flavors.

Don’t get me wrong. When it comes to hooch, vodka is one of my top five favorite liquors. I like vodka flavored vodka as much as the bubblegum, pineapple, and sweet tea varieties. In my opinion, it’s getting a little out of hand. There doesn’t seem to be any end in sight for more vodka flavors being introduced. There’s green apple, root beer, vanilla, and I’m sure they’re working on green tea flavors.

I have recently had the desire to start buying every different flavor offered at my local liquor store for a spirited and inspired project. I want to start mixing the different flavors of vodka to see what kind of tastes they can resemble. My desire is to go all Julia Childs behind the bar.

Right away, I can think of sweet tea and lemon flavored vodkas for an Arnold Palmer. But I’m thinking a bit differently… Take an ounce of tomato flavored vodka, add a smidgen of cheese flavored vodka, a splash of Tabasco infused vodka, with a half ounce of cheeseburger flavored vodka. Right there mixed properly… You’ve got vodka flavored like a pizza all in one large shot.

Do you see where I’m going?

I would like to see Smirnoff put out a vodka sampler package of the different flavors. A dozen little airline bottles all packaged up together with a tip sheet on what flavors to mix for a variety of different and unique flavors. The cool thing would be that they're only available with those mixtures.

If you’ve ever had a Jelly Belly sampler, then you know what I’m talking about. I don’t know if they still do it, but they would tell you how to take that jelly bean flavor, two of those jelly bean flavors, and another flavor to create something entirely different. Four beans to make a new “essence”, if you will.

The same can be done for vodka. I’m already thinking about putting together bubblegum, whipped cream, and the Tabasco flavors to create my own concoction… The fair midway vomit flavor may not be all that popular, but that’s half the fun in experimenting.

Bob Dylan 'Blood On The Tracks'

2010-06-25T13:29:00.003-04:00

After a long deliberation with myself and my associates... I have decided not to participate in much of anything today.

John Fogerty 'Centerfield'

2010-06-09T11:11:00.001-04:00

Jamie surprised me this morning. She told me that her friend was attending her son’s graduation today.

“I didn’t know that he was a senior,” I said. The last time I saw him, he looked like a fifth-grader. And as it turns out, he is until this afternoon when he gets a fifth grade diploma or a Chucky Cheese discount flier.

“He’s graduating elementary and going middle school next year,” Jamie explained.

Of course, I think that it’s stupid.

She continued, “It’s a milestone in his little life.”

It seems like every year a kid is graduating from something. It could be the second grade, the Home Depot project squad, or a move up to solid food. What’s the frakkin’ deal?

Do kids really need all that unnecessary attention?

Jamie said, “Moving up to middle school is a big deal.”

I disagree.

When they called it junior high, it was a big deal. It sounded like you were getting older and more responsible. The girls were getting rounder and bumpy in places that I never really noticed before. And I liked it.

Junior high sounded scary. Just the words “junior high” made me feel like I was walking into a jungle where a battle was about to break out on that first day.

Going to junior high was a rite of passage. For me, it was a place filled with different classrooms, loud ringing bells, stairs, and Lynyrd Skynyrd t-shirts. And when I rode the bus, there were students from the nearby high school that was a football throw away. They were older, sometimes a bit more dangerous than my group of friends, and the girls were generally more voluptuous.

I was coming into junior high just as the hazing was coming to a halt. And if you’ve ever seen the film Dazed And Confused, then you know what I’m talking about. I experienced none of that, but I did hear some stories about overzealous paddling.

Junior high was a whole new world. It was a big deal.

So why have they changed the name? Why do they call it middle school now?

I don’t like it personally. Calling it “middle school” makes it sound like some kind of half-way house filled with ne’er-do-wells and kids that still drink juice out of boxes. It sounds like a place with no real direction… It’s in the middle… It’s not going anywhere.

If you call it a junior high school, then you know you’re going to move up. One day you’ll make it to high school and eventually become a senior… Lord over all. It sounds like you’re going places instead of sitting around in a classroom eating paste with Wildman Corey Casey.

Junior high is about dropping pencils to get a better look at your developing female friends.

Middle school sounds like you need to put on your mittens before going out to the school bus.

Junior high is about dodging that guy that likes to pop his mother’s prescription medication.

Middle school sounds like chicken nuggets served all day with copious amounts of chocolate milk.

Junior high is about skipping a class or two.

Middle school sounds like story time with Mr. Cotton and his hand puppets of make believe.

Junior high is about learning how to undo bras.

Middle school sounds like a place I don’t want to be. Period. It sounds like the play place at the fast food joint that you have outgrown. It even sounds like a mental institution to me… A reimagining of One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest.

I just don’t like it. Can we please go back to calling them junior high schools?

Jimmy Eat World 'Static Prevails'

2010-06-07T10:52:00.004-04:00

I am often amazed by the amount of people that check out wheelersdog.com. When I check the site stats, I find that a lot of people come here from a search page looking for information on an album title.

Here’s the deal… I only choose one musical title to drive around with during my day. It’s usually a compact disc and sometimes if I’m feeling particularly nostalgic, I’ll pack a cassette. If I’ll be driving somewhere more than an hour away, I’ll take my Zune MP3 player that’s loaded with over 500 albums.

And I’m not sure if I ever told you how this “sickness” came about.

I’ve always been about music since turning on my first transistor radio in the early 70’s. I listened to the radio at night in the darkness. And when I wasn’t listening to the radio, I was spinning singles on a small record player. Perusing through Hot Rod Magazine and listening to 45’s from the 50’s and 60’s was one of my favorite activities. I liked giving what I saw a soundtrack.

Music was always part of my daily experience and when I didn’t have a radio around, I would provide my own soundtrack by humming tunes that I made up on the spot. And I must say, my original incidental music was pretty damn kick ass.

I would spend my preteen Saturday nights tuning an AM radio on my parent’s old console stereo until the wee hours of Sunday morning. I could hear radio stations from as far out as Ohio and Texas.

I eventually graduated to recorded music because radio started to become sterile and formulated. I preferred LP’s over cassette tapes. They sounded better and I liked the idea of making compilation tapes, first on 8-track and then to the 4-track cassette. If something happened to the tape, I still had the LP as a back-up. When compact discs came along, I transferred those to Denon cassettes to listen to in my car and Sony Walkman.

My friend Tracy Thornton did the same sort of thing… Rarely did we have a prerecorded cassette tape. He used TDK and I used Denon and Maxell. And we both went with high bias tape.

Tracy would ride around the countryside in his convertible MGB with hundreds of tapes. I only remember him carrying one case that could hold up to 120 cassettes… Until it was stolen along with his tape deck.

He lost everything. From the rare stuff that we recorded up in Jonathan Everett’s upstairs loft to a taped copy of King Kobra’s ‘Ready To Strike’. All 120 cassettes were gone. The rare stuff couldn’t be replaced, but since I had the King Kobra on LP… All we needed was the time to rerecord it.

From that moment on, Tracy only carried one or two cassettes around with him. He wasn’t about to lose anymore rarities or not-so-rare stuff. I saw the logic in that idea. I didn’t want to lose a good chunk of my collection in an accident or have it stolen out of my car. A tape deck can be replaced, but a copy of Krakkin’ live at the GYC Carnival on a TDK was irreplaceable.

When I leave the house, I will usually take one compact disc with me to listen to while driving around. If something happens, I may only lose that one CD from my collection and hopefully it’ll be something that can easily be replaced. The loss will be minimal.

When I started writing this blog, I didn’t know what to title each day’s entry. Without a thought about it, I titled that first entry with my musical choice of the day. It gave readers an idea of what I spent my day listening to. I thought it may even inspire them to check it out for themselves.

I have kept with that tradition and sometimes if I’m feeling particularly good about a musical choice of the day, I’ll say something about it. But usually, I won’t say a word about it. It’s just used as the title and I may attach a video from You Tube if I feel that it’s a worthy choice.

When I see that someone found my blog from searching out “Gwar scum dog blogspot”… I have to wonder if they were looking for an album review. Because the site stats tell me that they didn’t spend a whole lot of time reading what they searched out on Wheeler’s Dog.

I started noticing that someone in New York City was constantly checking out wheelersdog.com and spending what I thought was an obscene amount of time here. As it turned out, they found an entry from July 29th, 2007 titled with Richard Kastle’s ‘Streetwise’. That person keeps coming back to that same page over and over again.

I did a little research and found that someone linked Wheeler’s Dog to a Richard Kastle page.

That’s totally cool and I appreciate it, but it has nothing to do with Richard Kastle’s music or leather jackets. It’s about my visit to a retailer looking for a laundry basket. Here it is.

Glucifer 'Tender Is The Savage'

2010-06-04T09:41:00.007-04:00

It’s been over a week and I’m still real good with the Lost finale. I have no complaints. I’m good with the 24 finale as well… Hell, 24 needed to go about 2 seasons ago. I managed through it all even if I did start a couple of seasons behind.

Actually, I did the same thing with Lost. I caught on at the right time.

I’m happy to hear that V has been picked up for another season. The momentum the series had was killed by the LONG hiatus that included the Olympics.

Stupid Olympics.

ABC executives please note… Hiatuses are no longer needed in this day and age of the DVR. If someone wants to spend their time watching fringe sports like curling while they record V, let them. The show will still have that following, but they’ll just watch it a little later. Ratings are important, but more episodes equal more DVD’s sold in the future.

You also did the same thing to Flash Forward. Long hiatus equals fewer viewers on the return. Unlike V, you gave this show the ax.

I’m good with that. The show just felt like it was going nowhere. I didn’t get attached to any of the characters and I think that was show’s main problem. It left on a high note full of possibilities with another “flash forward”. It’s all left up to your own speculation and imagination.

Fringe ended real damn cool. And if you’re not watching this Fox show, do yourself a favor and get caught up before the next season. It’s a helluva ride for geeks and non-geeks.

During the past season, I became increasingly disturbed by a seemingly out-of-control trend concerning young male characters. The networks have been engaging in “Operation: Wussification”.

There are a lot of series out there with sensitive young males who are led around more by their emotions than their peckers. And that, ladies and gentleman isn’t right. It goes against the natural order of things. That’s just not the way it is in our species. Things are just understood. The males are the horn-dogs and I expect that in my movies and television. It’s been that way for a very long time.

Sure, we had our tough guys with a sensitive side… But we didn’t have 126 channels filled with “Angel” (Buffy The Vampire Slayer) and “James Hurley” (Twin Peaks). That excess gets disgusting and I totally blame the whole damn Twilight series of books, t-shirts, movies, shot glasses, and feminine napkins.

The young males in V and Happy Town (a fine show that is going bye-bye – see it while you can) have been making me sick. They’re just too damn sensitive. They weep and pine. They take their love troubles out on everyone else by moping around in their pre-Goth hairdos listening to whiny emo bands.

Ladies… Guys like that aren’t real life. And maybe that’s why you buy into the whole romance novel and Twilight thing… The young males being portrayed today are kind of like puppies filled with unconditional love that get big-eyed and hurt looking when they displease you.

It’s a fantasy. And the last season of television series were selling those sorts of fantasies on genres that shouldn’t have them.

The sensitive tough guy is much more believable and less alienating to the general television watching public. We like our Jack Bauer’s, our Sawyer’s, our Sayid’s, our Spike’s, and our Barney Stintson’s.

And they don't disgust us with their lack of testicular fortitude.

I’m sick of this “Operation: Wussification”. The tentacles are digging deep in every genre of television out there. Something must be done, ladies and gentleman. It’s down right disturbing. We need more “I’ll do any female in the Universe” characters like Captain Kirk.

Def Leppard 'High n' Dry'

2010-05-26T12:44:00.003-04:00

I’ve been thinking about trying standup comedy again. Doing standup was a dream of mine back some time ago. I tried it once at an open mic night and quickly went down in flames. I couldn’t understand how it happened. I had studied under some of the masters… Comedy masters like George Carlin, Bill Hicks, Bill Cosby, and Cher. Standing on a stage with only the sounds of clinking glass and cigarettes being lit can be a very lonely place. It means that you’re not standing in front of your target audience.

But I gave it a shot. And for some strange reason, I’m feeling the desire to pull that trigger again.

I came up with the ice breaker and that seems to make people laugh. The rest of what I’ve got so far is a little out there. That shouldn’t surprise most of you. I’m always springing the “Operation: Little Dog Urination” on people and that brings a laugh. Or at the very least, a strange look accompanied with a hesitate smile… So I know that’s funny.

Urination stories are always funny because it’s something that we all know about. If you’re breathing with lungs, there’s a good chance that you urinate often. It’s pretty much a universal subject with creatures that understand abstract thoughts. And that’s where the comedy cranks up.

For example… My friend Jon went to a family reunion in the great state of obesity, West Virginia. And I’m not saying that as a put down because I was born in that great state and do what I can to represent, know what I’m saying?

So all jokes aside… The host family had a huge spread for everyone to enjoy. The kids could run free and loose. The adults could hang under trees and around the grill. From what I remember Jon telling me, it was pretty much a hillbilly orgy of gelatin, watermelons, and fatty foods.

The host family had a large, fully enclosed pen on the property. That’s where they kept the pet crow. I don’t remember him saying whether or not it was some sort of rescue deal where they kept the crow because of an injury. Jon found it highly unusual.

When the family gathered around the tables to put on their feedbags, there was a terrible squawking coming from the crow’s pen. All heads turned to see some 6 year-old boy chasing the crow around inside the pen while urinating. Jon said that the crow was flapping its wings and making as much racket as it could. The droplets of urine being flapped off were turned a bright golden color as the sunlight lit them up. Some members of the family found it rather amusing… Especially Jon who couldn’t stop laughing.

Of course, the immediate family members of that 6 year-old were completely mortified.

So… Urination is always funny. It always has been. Why do you think there are so many euphemisms about it?

Draining the lizard
Walking the dog
Going to see a man about a horse
Number one
Feeding the goldfish
Take a leak
Check the creek temperature
Make water
Drain the main vein
Point Percy to the porcelain
Siphon the python
See someone about the plumbing
Shake hands with the unemployed

That last one is a new one for me and I like it. If you’ve got any more to add… Why go right ahead!

If I do get a stage show worked up, I’ll be sure to tell you the where and when.

Black Sabbath 'Born Again'

2010-05-23T20:51:00.004-04:00

Lost is coming to a close this evening. While many “losties” are out there partying it up, I’m listening to Lenny Kravitz and writing on a laptop computer.

Should “lostie” be capitalized?

Like Trekker or Trekkie?

Jamie says that I should because it’s a proper noun. Or something like that.

I consider myself a Lostie. I almost gave up on it during the third season until a fellow Lostie told me to hold fast. Everything will have its rhyme and reason.

I’ve been asked if this will be an emotional evening for me. It’s a show that I will watch during a housefire. A fireman would have to drag me out before the next commercial break. That’s the way it is. And soon, it’ll be the way it was.

It’s not a sad event. The show has run its course. The show had a bumpy road that only a select few made it through. Lost tested the viewer. It required thought. And Losties threw theories around the water cooler like Jenna Jameson tosses back sausages.

This is a celebration of a fine show that’s leaving on its own terms. We may tear up… Especially, if they kill off a one or 6 characters… But Losties are having a party, people. Right this second… With 34 minutes until the final episode airs.

I’m kind of glad to see Lost go because it’s ending on a high note. That is, of course, as long as the ending doesn’t suck. But that’s a subjective thing.

I’m sure they’ll give us, the Losties, an open ended departure that will arrive again at a later date. I wouldn’t object to a movie.

What were the greatest series enders for me?

Obviously, Newhart comes to my mind first. Malcolm In The Middle had a great ending that left on a positive note for the main character. I dug the final Battlestar Galactica.

I didn’t care for the last Seinfeld. It left me scratching my head. Although I’m torn on how I feel about the final episode, The Sopranos ended with a sour note on me.

The final episode of The Sopranos had a profound effect on how I hear Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing”. Whenever I hear about a small town girl living in a lonely world, I stop and ponder about Tony Soprano. I wonder if he’s still seeing a therapist. I wonder how the rest of the family are getting along. The possibilities are how I see them. And that’s the part that I like. It’s still open for debate. Closure isn’t what it’s cracked up to be.

The Mary Tyler Moore Show did the same thing with “It’s A Long Way To Tipperary”. I’m sure I’ll never hear the song blasting out of a SUV anytime soon. But if I were to hear that tune in passing, my thoughts about the WJM gang can go to any possibility.

No sadness. Everything and everyone should be lucky enough to conclude on their own terms. It’s not always possible, but either way we carry the memories along for the rest of our journey.

Or buy the whole thing on DVD.

Various Artists 'Various Sh*t Volume 19'

2010-05-20T09:49:00.003-04:00

Just a quick update on this busy morning...

Remember my take on the Chevrolet Caprice Classics roaming the streets with product, team, and comic hero logos?

My sister Tina told me about a car that she's seen roaming around Greensboro. She managed to find it in a parking deck. Here are the pictures she snapped with her cell phone.

Thank you, Tina.

Now I love me some Texas Pete, but I just can't see painting up my vehicle with their logos and not receiving some kind of payment.

I've heard rumors that those cars are gang related, but I don't know. Seems kinda weird to me no matter why the reason. But to each their own.

Jason Ringenberg 'Day At The Farm With Farmer Jason'

2010-05-13T11:30:00.001-04:00

Have you ever wanted to tell a friend something and you didn’t want to hurt their feelings?

I’m dealing with that sort of situation right now.

Back in my younger days, I wouldn’t hesitate to say something. I peed into the wind and didn’t care about any kind of blow-back. It’s not that I intentionally wanted to hurt anyone’s feelings… It’s just that I didn’t feel like taking the time to be concerned about those feelings.

Now that I’ve gotten a bit older, I feel differently about those kinds of things. I don’t want to hurt any of my friends in the slightest. Perhaps it was the arrogance of youth, I don’t know.

Here’s the rub…

I avoided all the stupid “cool” handshakes growing up. There were types of handshakes that required a manual to figure out. If you were naturally coordinated, I wasn’t, it was a breeze to learn some handshake that bordered on sign language. I just thought they were ridiculous and wanted no part of them.

I didn’t even really care for “giving five”. But it seemed quick and painless. So I didn’t really fight that one much. Even though I accepted the “giving of five”, I didn’t really practice it all that often. I didn’t need the slapping of hand flesh to celebrate some event.

Then the “high five” came along and I didn’t care much for it. I didn’t ridicule others that did it… I just left people hanging as I said, “I’m sorry. I don’t high-five.”

It just seemed silly to me. And even as a group of my Washington Redskins calling themselves “The Smurfs” celebrated in the End Zone with arm swinging and a group high-five money shot, I couldn’t get behind it. I resisted.

The trend as of late is the fist bump. And there seems to be more and more “cute” little movements evolving from that one. One especially annoying is the “explosion” of the fists after being bumped. I think they refer to it as the “fist grenade”.

After meeting some friends at a birthday get together, Jamie informed me that I left our new friend’s fist hanging several times. Since I don’t participate in those types of things, I don’t know the tell-tale signs of an oncoming fist bump. I had no idea that the guy was signaling for a bumping of fists.

I made an effort to bump fists the next time we met these friends for dinner. I kept an eye out for extended arms over the plates in case he was initiating a fist bump. I managed to catch a couple of them and Jamie seemed proud that I didn’t leave him hanging. Once we were in the car, I made it known that I didn’t like doing it. It made me feel dirty and untrue to my nature.

Just a couple of weeks ago, I met this friend in downtown Winston-Salem for a few drinks and a bite to eat. We bumped fists a few times and I still couldn’t get mentally behind such an action.

Something has to be said. I can’t go on living in a fist bumping lie. I’m not a fist bumper. I never wanted to be one. It seems silly to me. I should be totally honest with this relatively new friend of mine, right?

I’ll clink glasses. I’ll wink. I’ll give a thumb up. I’ll flash an “okay” sign. I’ll get on a mountaintop and send a smoke signal… I just can’t fist bump anymore.

Lynyrd Skynyrd '1991'

2010-05-05T12:17:00.002-04:00

As you can tell, I haven’t updated this thing in over a week. I’ve been in a really bad funk because I’ve had to return my Rams gold and blue Escalade. I lost money buying a one-way, first class ticket to St. Louis. And now I’m stuck with a silver grill that slips over my front teeth. It’s not like I can wear it anytime I want… Since there’s St. Louis Rams all over the thing, it would be an insult to my lifelong following of the Washington Redskins. And I can’t sell it because it was custom fitted for me.

I’m bummed because it wasn’t me that was drafted by the St. Louis Rams. It was some cat from West Texas A&M that is riding high. Again, not me.

Deep down inside, it was too good to be true. To be totally honest… I thought The Secret was finally giving me what I wanted. An ultra-huge mansion complete with cock fighting ring in the basement (people are still too touchy about the dog fighting deal), a gas-sucking SUV with a big screen plasma HD-TV in the back, and strippers, strippers, strippers. Oh, and I forgot to mention firearms. I wanted plenty of firearms and maybe a leopard.

My dreams came crashing down when I finally got someone in the Rams’ front office. The intern that I spoke to was laughing his ass off when I asked about picking up my signing bonus, when training camp starts, and how many tickets I could get for friends and family.

He told me that I was one stupid mother… You get the rest.

I hung up the phone and immediately returned the Escalade and cancelled a few hundred checks. I also had to call off the three strippers that were home shopping in St. Louis for me. It was horrible!

I’m not too happy with The Secret these days. Reality bites, my friends. And she really clamped down on my gonads this time.

But I’m not going to harbor any bad feelings for the Eugene Sims that signed on with the Rams. I’m going to follow the guy’s career simply because he has the same name that I do. I mean, seriously… When will I ever have a more famous namesake?

First of all, just about everyone has a song out there with their name in the title. Eugene is no exception. The only one I know of is Pink Floyd’s “Careful With That Axe, Eugene”. This, of course, gives the general public that Eugene’s aren’t the most decent guys on the planet. Perhaps they’re homicidal maniacs.

And second, Eugene’s are portrayed as some of the geekiest people on Earth. People expect that anyone named Eugene must be socially inept or extremely disturbed.

So I will follow this cat and see if he brings any honor to the name I have. Hell, he can’t hurt it any.

Heart 'The Essential Heart'

2010-04-27T13:48:00.005-04:00

My friend Tim Beeman congratulated me this past Sunday evening. He was the first to give me the good news… I had been drafted by the St. Louis Rams!

I’m the Rams’ latest defensive end, but I haven’t seen any paperwork yet. I haven’t heard about whether there’s a signing bonus either. The whole thing is like a Hollywood movie! I can’t believe that my football career that involves only one year playing at Northwest Guilford has blown up and brought me to the big leagues. My bags are packed and I’m ready to take my place in or near the city with an arch stretching over some river.

I wasn’t that good back then because I simply wouldn’t memorize the plays. I remember Coach Brown saying, “Sims, if you learned the plays you’d be dangerous.”

I was playing on the defense and since my mission was to stop the guy with the ball and take it from him, why memorize some stupid play?

Defense is simple. Stop the person with the ball and take it from them. There was no need to complicate things with X’s and O’s and lines with pointy things on them. Go after the person with the ball. The St. Louis Rams know what they’re doing and I have been justified.

I’m 43. My eyesight requires that I use reading glasses now. I think arthritis has settled into my hands and my stomach is as sensitive as a baby’s butt now. I get strange stabbing pains that come and go like flash floods. I don’t understand the appeal of the “screamo” type of hard rock that is filling the ear holes of our youth. And my girlfriend doesn’t remember Barnaby Jones.

But here I am! Ready to take my place alongside the notables in Rams history… Like Jack Youngblood, that famous black running back, and Warren Beatty.

My life now has a storybook plot and I couldn’t be happier. I’ve placed several calls to the Rams’ front office, but haven’t heard anything back yet. I’ve called ESPN and left a few comments, but since I don’t watch that network on even a semi-regular basis, I don’t know if they’ve used my comments. I’ve also made myself available to all of the local television and newspaper sports departments, but I kept getting disconnected.

I was about to give up on living the American Dream. Oh sure, I’ve had my share of strippers, firearms, tattooed women, DVD’s, Ford vehicles, rolling luggage, and prescription drugs. But I never thought that I’d ever be playing football in the National Football League.

I don’t even know how they got my résumé. If this is dreaming folks, I don’t want to wake up.

I’ve started taking better care of my health since I heard about being drafted. I have a lot of work to do. I’ve got to trade in at least 80 pounds of my manly girth for muscle and it’s not going to be easy. But since I’ve made it to the big time, I’ll just hire a trainer and become buff overnight.

Wish me luck! I hope to make the people of St. Louis proud without an embarrassing sexual liaison on or near an Interstate highway.

I will also keep every one of you informed. Remember… My journey wouldn’t be complete without you going along. I love you all!

The Doors 'Live In Pittsburgh 1970'

2010-04-18T11:20:00.003-04:00

I’ve been keeping my mouth tighter than Ann Margaret’s skin about the whole Tiger Wood’s thing. I’m sure you’ve been wondering to yourself… “What does Eugene think about that Tiger Wood’s fiasco?”

Why haven’t I said anything yet?

It’s because I really don’t care about his infidelities and carousing. And besides, it’s really none of my business.

Perhaps I’m wrong, but I think most affluent men that play golf in their spare time are probably playing another back nine behind closed doors with or without their wives knowing. And maybe I’m wrong again on this count… Money attracts women like cartoon coyotes to Acme products.

In Tiger’s case, he’s got money and he’s got celebrity status. So with that going on for him, I’m sure he’s had the same odds of contracting a venereal disease as Gene Simmons. The little head is going to do some of Tiger’s thinking when beautiful blondes want to do all the things that maybe his wife and mother of his children won’t do anymore.

Again, it’s none of my business and I don’t care how Tiger sinks a putt at the local Hooter’s.

What kills me is why his wife did what we all think she did. Does she even realize what she has done?

In my eyes, she shot her own foot if she did in fact “go all ballistic”.

Her “going ballistic” seems like a good theory simply because I don’t know too many people that would leave home in the middle of the night without shoes. Much less with golf clubs sticking through the broken windows of an expensive SUV.

What astounds me is the fact that she’d want to stop all those sponsor bucks from hitting the bank?

I’m not going Jamie Foxx and calling her a “Gold Digger” or anything… She may well love the guy for who he is. Ahem. But some of that sponsor dinero has dried up because of his confessed extracurricular activities. I don’t really think its fair, but that’s the way those sponsors want to play ball even though more than a few of those corporate executives do a little extracurricular balling themselves.

Did Mrs. Woods not expect him straying from her dam when so many beavers are throwing themselves at him?

Come on and get real.

I’m real and that’s why I wouldn’t have said a thing about it to him or anyone else. I would’ve kept right on taking those checks to the bank, purchasing Prada, and maybe find some action my damn self. And I’m talking about the kind of action that money can buy to keep me happy. I’d take trips to catch all the concerts I’d want to no matter where they are… And I’d take the kids with me.

I know the old adage, “Money doesn’t buy happiness”. That always seemed like a joke to me. Twenty bucks can buy me serious happiness at East Coast Wings. I can imagine what kind of happiness that twenty million can buy… KISS concerts in Europe complete with backstage passes, Cheap Trick playing louder than a NASCAR race in my backyard, and financing a film with Drew Barrymore naked all the way through.

“Just keep playing golf, honey. Sign with those potential mulit-million dollar sponsors so we’ll have unlimited cars, goods, and services. Oh… You’re doing three blondes in our hot tub while a nun slaps your ass with a yardstick? That’s all right, baby. As long as you’re able to make an “X”, you do whatever you like. I support you and your needs, darlin’.”

Why would anyone want that kind of gravy to stop flowing?

No matter what kind of lumps come along with that gravy, it just astounds me. And now you’ve heard my thoughts on the subject.

Cracker 'Gentleman's Blues'

2010-04-16T09:55:00.003-04:00

Back some years ago, I was involved with a developmental show on Rock 92. Weather Dave and Will Bastard were the main players with me as the producer and call screener.

Trust me, there weren’t that many callers. Especially on a Sunday afternoon.

Since my personal life didn’t include a woman at the time, the guys thought it would be a hoot to get me dates from a website and talk about it on the air. At that particular point in my life, I couldn’t get a date to save my big white butt. I was having one of my full-on dry spells.

Those dry spells weren’t unusual for me. Just like anything else, it was a cyclical kind of thing. From about 18 to 24, I enjoyed a wonderful period of female bounty. My friends were referring to me as the “chick magnet”. I was playing the field like both Ken Griffey and Ken Griffey Jr.

And when it came crashing down, it went past the basement. Like The Byrds have sung, “To every season… Turn, turn, turn”. To every down side, there’s an up side. I just had to be patient and ride it out.

I found different hobbies. I read more. And I got to know my friends better whether they liked it or not. I was a nuisance to my family.

Dave and I searched around different websites looking for something free since we had no budget for dating shenanigans. After conferring with Josh from the Murphy in the Morning show, I went with one of the more adult dating sites. A site that was basically a meat market with a few misguided individuals actually looking for true love.

I signed up and got a few nibbles. Since I wasn’t a paying member of the site, I couldn’t return any of those nibbles. And to be quite honest, I didn’t have to since that dry spell was being washed out by an unexpected monsoon.

We never fully realized the idea on the Weather Dave Will Bastard Show and that was probably a good thing. But to this day, I still get updates on “Hotties I should meet in my area” from that website. I never deleted my free membership and I haven’t logged in for years. I’m not even sure that I remember the password.

I read every one of those updates from the website because they’re so damn entertaining. Here are a few examples:

30-year-old woman from Winston Salem, North Carolina.
"i like having fun life is to short not to ball out of control"

36-year-old woman from Alamance, North Carolina.
"i am looking for someone who does not need to be here"

32-year-old woman from Danville, Virginia.
"I am a sexy chocolate 23 year old female who loves anal action and swallowing."

30 year old woman from Pleasant Garden, North Carolina.
"My husband has cheated on me and I have been a good and faithful wife for 25 years."

You can make your own jokes with each entry. Many of them have lots of misspellings that aren’t on purpose. I also get the feeling that a few of these women that say they’re in town for a few months are making a quick buck by using these sites for their independent contracting business… If you know what I mean.

Sometimes pictures will accompany the update, but they usually say they’re too erotic to be shown or they have a silhouette of a woman or couple. Yes, couples are out there trolling too.

One of the funniest pictures attached to a profile had a more than shapely 30 year-old woman from Stuart, Virginia with short hair standing next to someone’s grave. Why this person chose a gravesite photo for her profile is beyond me. I know that a tombstone doesn’t really fire up my passion for red hot romance, but to each their own I suppose.

Every update is a source of a few laughs for me. And I like to share a few with Jamie, my girlfriend. She seems to be just as sick as I am.

The Beatles 'Live At The BBC'

2010-04-13T10:53:00.002-04:00

Do you remember your first trip going through a fast food drive-thru?

I don’t really recall that many drive-thru trips because my father didn’t like them. He was always saying that if you wanted your order wrong, take the drive-thru. He preferred talking face to face with someone over three feet of counter space between them. He was convinced that talking through an intercom system meant that you’d get a screwed up order every time.

I’m not like my parents or sisters. I don’t like pickles. I don’t like onions. And that’s the way most fast food came… Prepared with standard ingredients everywhere… Ketchup, mustard, and pickles. There were onions added to that trio over at McDonald’s. We rarely went to McDonald’s because of their liberal use of onions. I remembered being grossed out when I found a tiny piece of horrible onion on one of my French fries. I couldn't sleep that night.

Burger King will forever be remembered for giving me my liberty when it came to fast food. They had a promotion with Harlem Globetrotter Meadowlark Lemon where he stacked up Whoppers with every combination Madison Avenue could think of.

It was sweet liberty! I was able to have my father order my cheeseburgers plain with ketchup. No more scrapping off pickles that left their nasty taste residue all over the meat and soaked into the bun. I was free to have my burger “My Way” at Burger King. I felt like my tastes and preferences mattered. I felt like I mattered.

I didn’t realize back then that I could have ordered anything at McDonald’s the way I wanted. I had no idea that I could make a “grill order”. I’m sure that my father withheld this information because he liked going in and getting out at or near record time. Burger King’s ad campaign changed all that with his picky eating little boy.

I didn’t eat regularly at McDonald’s until the introduction of the Chicken McNugget. I could see that no foul onions were added to those deep fried chicken parts. So I’d go in and order me some Chicken McNuggets and finally, for the first time in my life, enjoyed me some McDonald’s without the scrapping of pickles and onions. In my little world, it was a joyous occasion and I can point out the place where it all happened. There's now a Rite-Aid where that Mickey D's once stood near the Janus Theaters.

I realize now that my father enjoyed the “fast” part of fast food. He didn’t like grill ordering because it was easier to order something prepared and sitting under heat lamps. He just couldn’t get into the drive-thru state of mind to complete the whole concept of modern and quick fast food.

I adapted to it reluctantly because I had fears of messed up orders prancing about inside my head like Scott Hamilton. I would go inside to make my special orders unless I just felt like throwing caution to the wind or I went out to grab something to eat in my “shouldn’t go out in public” condition.

Nowadays, it’s about 50/50. I prefer going inside to order, but sometimes I just don’t feel like leaving the radio or my Zune. It’s just easier not to leave the car and there’s a screen posting your order so you can make sure it’s correct.

I don’t know who came up with that concept, but they should have a small statue of them erected with a small surrounding garden at every fast food joint.

But there’s something that’s started troubling me when I get to a drive-thru… The drive-thru attendant is usually required to say something like, “Welcome to Barney’s Burger Bungalow! Would like to try our latest marketing tool? It’s only available for a limited time. It’s our finest crap piled high with lots of fancy toppings and a cute name. Would you like to order one or seven?”

I usually respond with, “No thanks. What I would like is…”

Or sometimes I just ignore them and give them my order, but that feels mean. It’s not their fault that they have to push the corporate line. I just get tired of it. If I wanted the chocolate covered pork chop with cheese biscuit this morning, I’d frakkin’ ask for one.

How do you cope with this popular trend of drive-thru jockeys trying to force feed you the latest and greatest in hip expanding fast foods?

Baby Animals 'Baby Animals'

2010-04-07T13:04:00.002-04:00

The update I posted last Saturday was difficult to make. I’ve been having some Internet issues at home and it turns out (after the third customer service person within the last month) that the modem has been on a defective list. So it all depends on the modem whether or not I can get online. It’s kind of like having a bi-polar girlfriend… One minute, all is cool and groovy. The next, she won’t talk to you while she cuts your face out of photographs.

It has been royally sucking.

--Are you watching the final season of Lost?

I am and I’m digging it! Hopefully all the answers I’ve ever wanted will answered, but I’m sure they’ll leave something open for a “return” to the island 2 hour event. I say “event” because that’s the latest buzz word to make it seem more exciting for viewers. It also makes you feel less guilty about sitting on the couch for two hours while giving your fingers a thick coat of orange from the Cheetos.

Before the Lost episode on March 30th, I was watching the tail end of Dancing With The Stars. It was the result show and they were kicking off one of the Stars. I don’t remember which one, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it was that black-headed girl from Beverly Hills, 90210. You know… The prima donna that could only wash her hair with Evian water and drink only coffee where the beans were picked by Buddhist midgets or something like that.

But I’m sure she’s been humbled since her fall from the big time. After all, she was on Dancing With The Stars and that seems to be the recovery place to land. So who knows…? Maybe she’ll rise again and maybe… Just maybe… Do a nude scene or two. That would be good!

Sorry, I got off track.

When the show ended, they had the male host reminding viewers that an all new final season episode of Lost was immediately following. And what made it hilarious… That host mentioned Locke and the smoke monster.

Now to the uninitiated, that would just sound crazy and cause one to immediately turn to another channel. Because if you haven’t been watching, hearing someone tell viewers that there’s a “smoke monster” coming up on a Network television show would cause you to clear your ear canals and say “What the what?”

Just hearing the host’s smooth voice deliver that information was hysterical to me. Was it to anyone else?

It must have because they host didn’t really elaborate about the goings-on with Lost when they ended their broadcast. It was just straight and to the point.

Crazy.

And for those that do not know... The title of each entry is my musical choice of the day.

A.F.I. 'Decemberunderground'

2010-04-03T17:10:00.003-04:00

I’ve noticed a growing trend among car people. And I say car people, because women are just as much part of the scene as men. I don’t personally know any women out there restoring cars and “tricking” them out, but I wouldn’t want to exclude them in this day and age.

Anyway, the trend seems to be more people restoring and tricking out the Chevrolet Caprice Classics from the late 1980’s. And in my opinion, those were one of the ugliest vehicles that ever displayed the Chevrolet bowtie.

They had four doors. They were big and round… And to quote Johnny from the film AIRPLANE!… They looked “kinda like a big Tylenol”. I thought they were hideous.

During the late 80’s, they were the cruiser of choice for the Guilford County Sheriff’s Department. I know this because my father was a patrolman and drove one of those beige uglies during his days protecting the citizens of Guilford County.

From what I understand, none of the officers had an appreciation for the vehicle’s aesthetics. They referred to it as “the pregnant turtle” or “the Easter egg”. I never could understand the “pregnant turtle” thing since they’re egg layers, but it was the only criticism I ever heard about the car.

The Caprice Classic must have been a good workhorse when it came to policing because I never heard a bad word about the performance. It was just big, odd, and ugly looking.

I’ve noticed that those cars are back out and about on our streets and highways. I’ve seen a couple of them restored in flashy neon colors with big rims that lift those jokers off the ground at a pretty good height.

But here’s the trend that I don’t understand… The owners are painting them up with themes.

The first one I saw was orange and brown on High Point Road in Greensboro. But it didn’t stop there… There were Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup logos all over the thing. There was a logo on the hood, one on the trunk lid, and one on each side of the car. It wasn’t like a NASCAR thing where the logos were on the rear quarter panels. The logos were plastered right over the doors. I thought to myself, “This guy must really love Reese’s.”

I saw my second one in Winston-Salem at a stoplight at University Parkway and Hanes Mill Road. The owner had that joker tricked out in a Superman motif. It was Superman blue with red and yellow accents. A Superman shield was on the hood with the classic Superman logo spread out across the side over the doors. Why couldn’t the owner pick a better comic superhero like Batman, Spider-Man, or Plastic Man?

The third vehicle I saw was beautiful, despite my problems with the Caprice Classic’s body aesthetics. It was burgundy with a yellow and white racing stripe. When I got along side of it on Highway 52 North in Winston-Salem, I couldn’t help but notice the big ol’ Washington Redskins logs spread over the side of the car. As a ‘Skins fan, this pleased me greatly. I gave the lady driver a big “thumbs up” as I passed her by. She looked a little confused, but I didn’t care. It was cool, daddy!

And just this past Thursday, I saw another one on Business 40 West between Winston-Salem and Kernersville. It was red, black, and white featuring the Pizza Hut logo spread out over the side of the car.

It made me scratch my lead just a little. Are these people being paid for these rolling, tricked out advertisements? Do the owners love Reese’s, Superman, the Redskins, and Pizza Hut so much they trick out their rides to honor their favorites? What’s the deal?

I love me some Long John Silver’s, but I cannot imagine painting Roxy (my 2001 Ford Ranger) up to represent my affection for deep fried seafood… Or paint her up to show off my love for the rock band KISS… Or trick her out with my all-time favorite television show, Green Acres.

To be honest, I’m not the kind of guy that would waste money on tricking out something that can easily be totaled on our roadways. I keep Roxy the same way when she rolled off the lot except with a little more dirt and grime.

But if someone were to pay me for showing off their logos on a tricked out vehicle, I don’t think I’d pass it up. Unless it’s a product that I just can’t get behind… Like Almond Joy, Tampax, the Dallas Cowboys, any professional soccer or basketball teams, Kyle Busch, pickles, Oprah Winfrey, Mounds, Republicans, Kurt Busch, Democrats, Girls Gone Wild, Dale Earnhardt Junior, the Atlanta Braves, Family Guy, or proctologists.

Have you seen these cars or others like them?

Leave a comment if you have and include where you saw it. I’m trying to figure out if it’s some kind of weird Caprice Classic cult.

Vinnie Vincent Invasion

2010-03-31T13:27:00.006-04:00

I just got word last night about the cancellation of Fox’s 24. I wasn’t completely surprised and to be quite honest, I’m glad to see it go. 24 had a good run and managed to milk the fears of terrorism from Americans as well as providing some good ol’ entertainment.

The show constantly had subplots with little or nothing to do with the main plot. Those subplots were more or less used to thrust little thorns into Jack Bauer’s, the main character, side. If it’s not Bauer’s daughter Kim getting into some kind of trouble, it was someone at CTU leading a dangerous double life that lead to betraying the American people. Those little subplots became predictable and downright unnecessary.

I mean seriously, what was wrong with the main plot as a source of storytelling?

But conflict between characters has always been more or less a blueprint to keep a show popular. After all, look at soap operas. Those characters are always in conflict with one another. And have you ever noticed a television in any soap character’s home?

Perhaps that’s why they have too much time on their hands allowing them to screw around with the other characters, but I digress.

24 has given us all kinds of good entertainment. Especially to those of us that enjoy things blowing up or weapon play. Who could ever forget poor, stupid Kim Bauer running from trouble with her more than ample bosom flopping back and forth?

We had two full seasons of that boob swaying action!

And what about the lame ankle break character Tony Almaidea suffered on his way to an interrogation room?

Since the actor broke his leg, they had to write that into the show. But a trip and fall in a level hallway?

Hilarious!

What about my theory of the right wing conservatives at Fox influencing the American public how to vote in Presidential elections?

They showed us a strong black President with some light right-wing attitudes and the public eventually followed by electing Obama. They presented an older sneaky, spineless President and the public voted against McCain.

The current 24 President is a woman and she’s my favorite. Not because she’s hot or anything like that… It’s because they are painting her up to be a little dumber than the males that preceded her. She’s constantly asking questions and therefore it gives the perception that women aren't as smart as men in the political arena.

It’s practically become a drinking game for me. Whenever Madame President asks a question, take a shot. It won’t be long before you’ll pass out and then wake up during a late night infomercial.

Just last night, Madame President asked 13 questions all within 5 minutes of screen time. Simply amazing!

Because of their influence, there’s very little chance that we’ll elect Palin or any other woman into the White House for the next three elections. But, we shall see.

We also learned some good things by watching 24… Like how to tear out someone’s stomach lining with a towel and a little water.

After asking a question without receiving and answer, yell the same query as vein-poppingly loud as you can to gain the knowledge you seek. That always works for Bauer.

The character of Kim Bauer always got on my nerves despite her two biggest assets on the show. But the character that I disliked the most was Chloe O’Brien.

She may have gotten Jack out of a lot of trouble. She may have stood by him through thick and thin, but I just couldn’t stand her bitching and complaining. I was hoping that the new leader of CTU, the guy who played “Bubba” in Forest Gump, would knock her damn head off. Chloe is always sullen and grumpy, much like a teenage girl. She just got on my nerves even without all the Goth-rock.

And what about that lame filler movie where Jack Bauer was in Africa hanging out with boys?

All in all, 24 was a good ride that took me two seasons before I got on board. It will be missed.

Feel free to give us your thoughts on 24 by using the comments.

Tina Turner 'What's Love Got To Do With It'

2010-03-30T10:55:00.003-04:00

I must admit something… I watch a lot of television. I know that for a lot of you, it’s a complete shock. I wouldn’t say that it’s an addiction. It’s just because I like television as a medium. And as much as I love it, I never felt compelled to work in that industry. I guess that my love for music outweighed my love for the boob tube. Unless, of course, someone’s actually showing boobs on my TV.

As much as I try to watch my favorite programs as they air, I find myself relying more and more upon the DVR or watching them online. I’ve found that I prefer to watch my programs those ways because I can zip through the commercials. And when watching online, I’m only subjected to one 15 or 30 second commercial for every break.

I’ve found that a little time can be saved by watching that way. I end up saving about 15 minutes on an hour program and about 8 with the half-hour programs.

But every now and again, I’ll watch television as it airs… Like last night with Chuck and 24. I usually find something to do while the commercials play… Like lessening my bladder, respond to a text message, or throwing acorns at the neighbor’s dog.

I sometimes have nothing to do while the commercials roll and fuel my fears about lagging behind the Joneses, so I watch. Like everyone else that treads through TV land, I like the creative and funny commercials. But there’s one that I just don’t understand… It’s the latest Friskies cat food campaign.

It’s like a Prince video during the psychedelic period of the ‘Around The World In A Day’ album… And I have a few problems with it.

Who exactly are they advertising to? The cats or the cat owners?

I haven’t quite figured that one out yet. But I can easily see how cats could live in a psychedelic world like the one shown in the commercial. They’re always staring off into the distance or looking at something with that steely gaze perhaps seeing something that we just can’t comprehend. Cats can seem a little freaky, ya know?

Felines do enjoy a little catnip from time to time. And I’ve always heard that catnip is like marijuana for cats. They like to sleep a lot and stare outside at things, so it’s not beyond the realm of possibilities that cats are probably in a constant state of euphoria. Bottom line… Cats like to trip.

So maybe that’s why cats are always killing everything they can possibly get their hands on. They’re tripping like Woodstock hippies on the brown acid and see every other animal or insect as something out to hurt them. They’re just on a bad trip, man.

But the cat in the commercial doesn’t seem to be on a bad trip when turkeys surround it or when the chickens roll out the red carpet for din-din. I would say the cat is on a good trip which is something the advertisers are trying to get across with their message.

Take a look for yourself right here and draw your own conclusions.

Stephen Stills 'Just Roll Tape'

2010-03-27T09:49:00.006-04:00

Here’s something that I wrote recently about some observations made last year… Try to enjoy.

--I rarely go to a particular retail outlet, but I had no choice back on October 6th. I had to pick up the new release from KISS, ‘Sonic Boom’. It was sold exclusively at that particular retail establishment. In my mind, getting the prize would involve a long journey through aisles filled with people that would most likely have urinals in their living rooms or the types you find at dog fights on the weekends. But it was worth it to get ‘Sonic Boom’ complete with bonus CD and DVD for twelve bucks. New and surprisingly good KISS tunes were worth being run down by someone on a motorized cart with portable breathing equipment in tow.

Since I had to visit the giant hall of human oddities complete with a Subway, I took a list with me to pick up a few things that I needed. I couldn’t see any reason to make another trip to procure other life necessities. After all, people that love that establishment are always praising the joint as the place that has everything. Not even the gum-chewing college girl with ample and visible cleavage at the drug store down the street could sway two trips out of me.

I may be slightly on the pervy side, but at least I’m rational and reasonable.

I needed to pick up another large plastic bottle of my favorite body wash… Yes, I have a pouf and I finally know how to spell it… Dial’s Full Force. It sounds manly enough to offset any pouf usage.

I like the smell of the stuff and so do the lovely ladies that I’m fortunate enough to receive hugs from every time I see them. So I started my search on the retailers Wall of China aisle of soaps and lotions. I found stuff made by Dial, but the huge retailer didn’t have the specific scent that I like.

I stood there reading and rereading all the bottles to make sure my eyes were working properly. I started moving bottles and tubes around to see if my scent was being obscured by products misplaced by someone wearing a cap with a “3” accentuated with angel wings over the bill. Alas, I came up empty.

They had a Dial scent with pheromones, but I didn’t want that. I was thinking to myself, Don’t ants use pheromones to communicate and attract?

Well, I didn’t want to attract ants or give them the wrong idea, so I went with the only other logical choice from Dial… A bottle of body wash made for hair and body.

For some reason, it seems strange to me that guys would want the same cleaning fluid they put on their privates used on their heads. After all, we are talking about two different hair types. I wouldn’t a woman that I’m getting intimate with to find my crotch smelling like Pert or VO5. Nor would I want her to find out that my hair smells like Zest. What kind of messages would that send?

I thought about visiting Ms. Boobage at the pharmacy for my usual Dial Full Force, but I just grabbed the hair and body formula and tossed it into the shopping basket with the new KISS CD, five quarts of oil, and an oil filter.

Since purchasing the body and hair formula, I have yet to use it on the hair follicles coming out of my scalp. I’m still using my Garnier fortifying shampoo. Part of me wants to experiment with it, but I just can’t seem to pull the trigger. It just seems wrong and a little lazy.

Perhaps that’s why they make that formula for men… I’ve never seen that type of product for women. So what is that saying about us guys?

--As of this posting… I have yet to use it on my hair. To be honest, I have forgotten that my body wash doubles as shampoo. But now that I won’t be seeing people on a regular basis because of reoccurring job losses, I may just give it a shot and report back here. You know, for scientific reasons.

Britney Spears 'In The Zone'

2010-03-26T11:45:00.003-04:00

Howdy folks!

I know that it’s been a long time since I updated this hear site of mine and if you haven’t noticed, there are a few changes.

I’ve changed the title for one thing. Since I’m no longer an overnight jock these days (seriously unemployed at the moment), I’ve changed the name from Too Dangerous For Daylight to Wheeler’s Dog.

I’ve also grabbed a domain name for this here little mental masturbation and decided to turn it into a full blown website. So chances are good that you were redirected to wheelersdog.com without any problems.

I can’t really say that it wasn’t without problems on my end. Getting the domain name was easy, but trying to understand the computer geek jargon caused me a couple of sleepless nights. I was pulling out my hair and cussing like an Irish priest trying to figure that crap out. Oh sure, my site host and blogger made it all look so simple. But to me it was like trying to figure out how to perform triple by-pass surgery with a road map of Guam.

It was a very stressful week for me. I lost my part-time job at Majic 94.1 and I couldn’t grasp all that computer stuff. I had to watch lots of pornography and eat copious amounts of Food Lion’s Cheerwine sherbet just to take the edge off.

Eventually, I broke down and asked for the assistance of people that know what their doing. Jonathan Everett was cool enough to rifle the instructions and within an hour wheelersdog.com was up and running with perfect redirects.

The man is simply a miracle worker and if he bitches about helping with my every computer issue, he must be saving it all for his wife. So Jonny boy… Thank you so much! And when I go full-blown, I’ll be ringing your phone.

You’re probably wondering why I went with a domain instead of using the tried and true djeugene.blogspot.com… Or maybe you’re not. Either way, I wanted something easy to remember and easy to find. And it’ll look good on bumper stickers, t-shirts, and eventually a full wrap on my vehicle.

Perhaps you’re wondering where I got the name Wheeler’s Dog.

It’s a reference to my all-time favorite television show, Green Acres. I’ve gone to the trouble of finding it on YouTube so you won’t waste your time Googling the hell out of it. Be sure to watch it all for the full effect and a great scene with Mr. Haney.

There’s a Wheeler’s Dog logo that Rick Talbert (RIP brother) and I designed with my foray into mix tape trading back in the 1990’s. Eventually it will replace the picture of the Ford Galaxy 500 at the top now.

If you’re curious to see the other photographs that I snapped of that Galaxy, look ‘em up on my facebook page. They’re titled “Junkers”.

I haven’t updated since last September. I just didn’t have the urge to write anything with an hour drive to work and an hour drive back. Sure it’s an excuse, but it’s a good one. Now that I seemingly have plenty of time, I will update more frequently.

Thanks for checking in and if you’re a first time visitor, by all means, start reading from the beginning. Perhaps you’ll find something entertaining.

EZO 'EZO'

2009-09-04T11:23:00.003-04:00

Jamie and I were invited over to Walter and Tina’s house this past Saturday evening. It was a dinner invitation with drinking and not so deep conversation to follow. And the weather was perfect for it.

We were instructed to bring a dinner item along with a desert to go along with turkey. That’s right. Tina was roasting a big ass turkey in the oven. Her first and that joker was moist and delicious.

We were also instructed to bring whatever we wanted to drink. We picked up Melissa and stopped at the grocery store along the way for booze. After a quick phone call, we could add cranberry sauce to our list.

I had committed myself as designated driver that evening. So I could have one drink early in the evening and ride it out to sobriety. It’s a system that has always worked for me. I get a quick buzz before eating and I sober up once dinner starts hitting the bloodstream.

In my mind, I went through all the possible alcoholic beverage choices that are offered by the Food Lion in Pilot Mountain. I narrowed it down to a few in the size that I wanted.

For some reason, I wanted a malt liquor in the 40 ounce size. A twenty-two ounce pansy beer just wasn’t going to cover the check and I wouldn’t feel satisfied with a couple of 12 ounce singles. I needed at least 32 ounces of something with a stiffer punch.

“What do you want?” Jamie asked me before slipping out of the car.

“Can you get me…” I hesitated for a moment. “Can you get me a forty ounce King Kobra?”

“I’m not getting you a malt liquor!” she snapped back at me.

“How about a Miller High Life forty?” I asked a little louder.

We were arguing about it as she was leaving the car. After she shut the door and proceeded to walk into the store, Jamie was still saying things that I couldn’t hear. I got the distinct feeling that she remained adamantly against my choice of beverage.

Jamie had her window rolled down and I yelled toward her, “I NEED A FORTY, WOMAN!”

It was also at this time when I realized that there was a car to our right with a parking space between us. There were people inside. A black woman and her two daughters were sitting in a blue Jeep Cherokee and laughing about what I yelled out at Jamie.

And people wonder why I don’t embarrass easily.

Jamie and Melissa went to the Food Lion register with a jar of cranberry sauce, a handful of lemons, a 12 pack of Bud Light Lime, and a 40 ounce King Kobra.

Jamie would’ve liked to have known what the cashier thought about two white chicks and their shopping items. Especially since the cashier had a smirk on his 16 year old face during check out. I can’t say that I really blame him, because you just don’t see shoppers with tastes like that every day.

And thanks to Walter and Tina for the invite and delicious turkey. A Thanksgiving anytime of year is a pretty cool idea.

Here's a picture that Melissa took of Tina with me in the background.

The Doobie Brothers 'Takin' It To The Streets'

2009-08-27T11:18:00.004-04:00

It’s that time of year again. Go Triad magazine is once again letting folks decide who and what are the cream of the Triad crop. And they’ve brought back a category that had been taken out the last couple of years…

They brought back the “Best Blog” category, but they’re calling it the “Best Blogger”.

I won “Best Blog” the last year they had it on the ballot. It always filled me with pride knowing that I went out on top. I still have my two winner certificates from Go Triad that I have yet to frame. Since I don’t have an office, I just stuck them in a drawer.

Don’t get me wrong… I’m very proud of the award. I just don't have a prominent place to hang it where it can be seen by everyone.

I never campaigned for the award. Oh sure, I threw my hat into the ring by voting on my own blog, but I never asked anyone else to vote. I didn’t use the airwaves to promote myself over the radio, because it sure would look ridiculous to campaign for it and never making the cut.

I honestly didn’t expect much. I didn’t even expect an honorable mention. I was just trying to keep my writing as sharp as possible by exercising that skill.

I’m not trying to change the World or even my small little portion of it. I don’t write about “things that matter” and I tend to steer clear of political ramblings. I’ll leave that kind of “wheel grinding” to the people that truly care about it.

Me?

I just want to write. I do it for the aforementioned sharpness and for my own amusement. I see things just a little bit differently than the average person. And I sometimes use my blog to yell and scream at things. It’s a pressure release valve that keeps my head from exploding all over the living room or windshield of my truck.

I haven’t been keeping my blog up to date like I should. I lost my full-time job back in September and there’s been really nothing to write about. I have a part-time job, but I don’t get to mix it up with the outside World like I used to. It’s been difficult to find the motivation to write about experiences that I’m not having like I used to.

My television viewing has increased since losing that full-time job, but who wants to hear about Burn Notice and Rescue Me? Who wants to know that I’ve gotten so far behind on The Closer that I don’t care if I ever get caught up?

Yeah. I’m not feeling the love for The Closer this year. They killed off Brenda’s cat and replaced it with a talking teenage character thrown in to give her marriage a little conflict. Plus, I’m just not digging her methods. They seem devious and most of her cases would be thrown out of Court because of her lack of adherence to Constitutional Rights.

So you see exactly what I’m talking about, right?

Bottom line… If you’re going to vote on Go Triad’s “Best Of The Triad” poll, throw one my way. I’d appreciate it. Oh! You may even win one of the prizes!

I’m providing THIS LINK to take you to Go Triad’s website.

--Look for an update over the weekend about my Popped Peeps movement that took place nationwide (well that may be exaggerated) yesterday. There will be popped collar pictures of handsomely rugged men and one hot lady with a fashion kinky streak. The first Popped Collar Day was a moderate success.

Pretty Things 'Savage Eye'

2009-08-23T14:31:00.004-04:00

Have you ever tried experimenting with bringing a style back?

I tried it the other day with very little success. People gave me the kind of looks reserved for men that relieve themselves on cages filled with kittens.

I saw Denis Leary rocking the look on an episode of Rescue Me and wondered to myself… “That’s a style that should come back. It’s totally working for Leary.”

Without planning anything, I slipped a golf shirt over my magnificent body the next day before going to work. And as fate would have it, the collar was standing upright. Children of the 80’s refer it as the “popped” collar.

During the 1980’s, the popped collar was everywhere. It was like skin at a nudist camp. And odd as it may seem, I never wore the popped collar back then.

So anyways, I left my collar popped that day and decided to follow the path that Mr. Leary was blazing.

As I waited at the stoplight at Horse Pen Creek Road and New Garden to get onto Bryan Boulevard, I noticed a woman smiling at me as she drove across my path through the intersection. Her eyes followed me until she passed by me. So I thought to myself… “She must be digging the popped collar.”

After all, it looked good on Leary and I was sure it looked good on me.

I got to work and no one paid any attention to my popped collar. So I decided to strut around the office like I just got off the set of Miami Vice to show off my daredevil style sensibilities.

No one wanted to take the bait, so I asked the ladies what they thought about my popped collar. And I’ll give you the abridged version… They didn’t care about my popped collar and they were happy that the style had died like Dustin Diamond’s career.

Will “Sports Boy” Tate (WLXN) walked into the office with his golf shirt and I said, “Hey man, pop that collar!”

“I will not,” Will replied.

“Come on, man,” I pleaded. “Don’t you want to bring back the popped collar?”

Will looked at me with his steely eyes and said, “I think not.”

As I understand things… Kids these days are all about vampires. They love that Twilight crap. So why aren’t they popping those collars?

Hell. If a popped collar was good enough for Dracula, the ultimate vampire, then it should be good for all those emo kids who love melodramatic bloodsuckers.

I know a high school kid that’s trying to bring back suspenders. Why?

I’m not sure.

He’s been wearing those goofy little hats, skinny jeans, and now he’s going all “Mork from Ork”.

So I just left a message on his mother’s answering machine trying to appeal to his trailblazing style resuscitation. Because I’m sure that if a high school kid gets it going, it will take off like a fire in Athens.

And this Wednesday, August 26th lets all rock the popped collar. Take a picture and post it on your Facebook or MySpace.

Lets rock it, beeotches!

Warren Zevon 'Sentimental Hygiene'

2009-08-14T12:17:00.003-04:00

Have you ever seen Cheap Trick in concert?

If you haven’t, please be advised that you will need hearing protection. Take some ear plugs. If you didn’t have time to stop at Rite-Aid to purchase some, find some bathroom tissue before the lawn crowd deplete the supply for their own frivolous activities. Make sure to take any means necessary to find something to protect one of your five senses.

Cheap Trick are generally loud in concert.

I’ve heard them being to compared to other loud and sudden noises… One phrase I’m particularly fond of is Jeff Kay’s “louder than Cheap Trick”.

But this wasn’t the case last Friday night. I guess being low band on the totem pole meant that Rick Nielson wouldn’t be able to split the atom with a five neck guitar and a checkered amplifier.

I could hear more of the mix from the speakers directly in front of me than from the band just a few feet further away. I’ve been that close to Cheap Trick a few times and I wasn’t able hear my own thoughts even with ear plugs.

I was only interested in seeing Cheap Trick. I couldn’t care less about Poison and I have seen Def Leppard many times. No offense to age affected vocals of Joe Elliott, but I saw them when he could scream instead of sing.

I wanted to hear some of the new Cheap Trick songs performed live. I wanted to hear the classics. I wanted to hear which gem would be dusted off and thrown into set.

I wasn’t disappointed when I heard “Way Of The World” from the ‘Dream Police’ album. I sang along like it was 1979, baby.

Jamie also found out that she could lose another one of her 5 senses whenever Rick Nielsen wrist flicks a guitar pick into the audience. She was struck on the cheek with one when she was looking away from him. I told her that you could lose an ear and an eye at a Cheap Trick concert.

She was a little bummed when she couldn’t find the guitar pick that blindsided her. I reassured her that she would get a souvenir when Nielsen would toss handfuls of guitar picks into the audience.

We were fortunate to acquire four guitar picks and I gave one of them to the woman behind me that wasn’t so lucky.

Jamie also made eye contact with Robin Zander. That seemed to have made her day.

This was the first time Jamie had been that close for a large concert with bands that have sold millions of albums. We ventured back to the beer gardens and found people there that were like-minded. Jamie and I spoke with a few guys that loved Cheap Trick and Def Leppard, but they hated Poison. I said that it was like a big sandwich with “suck” right in the middle.

In hindsight, I wish I had added a slice of melted cheese on that “suck” patty.

Jamie and I ventured back to our second row seats so she could get the experience of flash pots firing off directly in front of her with Poison’s show. Our seats were so close that we could feel the heat from the flames flaring up from behind the row of their amplifiers.

Three songs into Poison’s set and Jamie’s good sense of taste and will to survive kicked in. She said that she had had enough. We found the car and made our way to Durham for a visit with Allyson.

For some reason, security weren’t allowing anyone with a cell phone to snap a picture. That’s why I only have the one picture from our perspective. Although I’m sure Clay Howard got some beautiful shots during Cheap Trick’s performance.

Stay tuned. More on that within a few days.

Brian Wilson 'Smile'

2009-08-12T11:11:00.004-04:00

I don’t know what happened to me last week. I haven’t had any problems with my ears. Those jokers seemed to be just fine. There was the normal amount of earwax production. I heard the usual amount of rhetoric, sizzling gossip, and recipes for pizza éclairs. And yet I didn’t hear two people telling me that my seats to last Friday night’s concert with Cheap Trick, Poison, and Def Leppard were located on the second row.

I got the tickets from a connected man “in the business” a few days before the concert.

I don’t really know what “in the business” means, but I hear people using it quite a bit. It sounds like lots of business suits are involved and I don’t want any part of that.

Anyway… The guy gave me the tickets and my eyes noticed that they weren’t on the lawn where anything goes.

The lawn seat is a one way ticket to four hours of heat and hell-raising. A place where men with inked road signs on their backs dance topless with the balance that only 90 proof can provide. It’s a place where a woman can smoke and drink 24 ounce cans of beer while wearing a novelty t-shirt proudly proclaiming that she has one in the oven. The lawn seat area is a place that not even Hank Williams Jr. wants to spend two minutes.

The tickets I had received had silver “VIP” stamped on it. My mind told me that the seats were in a good location. I immediately translated “VIP” into “beer wench”.

For me, there aren’t too many things more important than having someone fetch beers. Why should I be deprived of watching Poison perform “Talk Dirty To Me” while standing in a beer line?

Side note… All “beer wenches” should be women and gay men. No studly hunks. No cute looking snicker inducing dude. No young men named Stacy.

Women sell beer and men like beer. My girlfriend likes beer too, but isn’t going to want to see our server walk away as much as I will. There’s more money to be made with women servers.

Gay men don’t cause any “dude tude” flare-ups. Gay men that drink beer will also like to watch their server walk away regardless of that person’s sex…

To get back on thought… I looked at a seating chart to find the exact location of the seats. Since my mind had booked a flight on the beer wench express, I located where I thought our seats were. I thought it must have been in a box location where overpriced beer would be brought to me.

I told Jamie where I thought we were going to be seated for the concert.

She was the second person to tell me that our seats were located on second row. The “in the business” guy told me when I first got them.

But I don’t recall either one trying to explain that I was going to be up close and personal with Robin Zander and Rick Nielsen. I didn’t realize that I would actually run into my friend and “Checkered Nation” brother, Clay Howard and his wife Nicole.

My ears didn’t pickup on this fact. I was told twice and seemingly never heard a word. I must have had an experience with hysterical hearing loss. The excitement about the possibility of having a beer wench caused my hearing loss.

It also caused me to totally not be able to read their seating chart. I don’t understand how they have their seats arranged. It confuses me.

So this picture will give you an idea about how close to Cheap Trick Jamie and I were.

I will share the rest about our Cheap Trick adventures with an update tomorrow or Thursday.